UK PRIME MINISTER PROMISES TO SHOOT NATION UP WITH ‘AI HEROIN,’ CITIZENS DEMAND CLEAN NEEDLES
In a stunning announcement that has addicts nationwide feeling competitive, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer has unveiled plans to “mainline AI directly into the veins of this enterprising nation,” leaving citizens wondering if they’ll need to share needles or if the government will provide individual syringes for this nationwide bender.
NATION’S FIRST COMPUTATIONAL DRUG DEN OPENS IN PARLIAMENT
Starmer’s “AI opportunities action plan” promises to transform Britain into the world’s first silicon junkie state, with withdrawal symptoms expected to include economic hallucinations and delusional tech forecasts. Government officials were spotted practicing how to tie off the country’s metaphorical arm while tech executives stood by with digital spoons and algorithmic lighters.
“This is exactly what this country needs,” said Lord Sebastian Moneybags, who coincidentally owns £47 million in AI startup shares. “Britain has been too sober for too long. It’s time we got absolutely f@#ked up on machine learning.”
EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL OVERDOSE
Dr. Cassandra Truth, author of “Tech Bros Say the Dumbest Sh!t,” expressed concerns about the nation’s sudden computational addiction. “What they’re calling ‘AI’ is basically just statistical patterns on steroids wearing a trench coat pretending to be intelligent. It’s like promising your kid a puppy and bringing home a rock with googly eyes glued to it.”
According to a completely made-up study by the Institute of Obvious Conclusions, 94% of AI benefits will flow directly to people who already own multiple homes and vacation on private islands, while the remaining 6% will manifest as “cool stuff regular people can show their friends before it starts charging a subscription fee.”
PUBLIC REACTION MIXED BUT MOSTLY CONFUSED
Regular citizens seemed perplexed by the announcement. “Does this mean my toaster will start sending me passive-aggressive messages when I burn my bread?” asked Manchester resident Eliza Thompson. “Because my ex-husband already does that, and I don’t need the bloody appliances joining in.”
Meanwhile, 78% of tech journalists have already written 12 articles each explaining why this initiative is either “the most important development in human history” or “literally worse than teaching bears to use flamethrowers,” depending on which publication pays more.
CRITICS CALL BULLSH!T
Emily M. Bender and Alex Hanna, authors of “The AI Con,” suggest this technological salvation is actually “a bill of goods” being sold by “a few major well-placed players poised to accumulate significant wealth by extracting value from other people’s creative work.”
Professor Tellit Likeitis from Cambridge University added, “It’s basically digital colonialism wrapped in a shiny ‘innovation’ bow. They’re not creating anything new; they’re just figuring out how to monetize stuff we already do but with more surveillance and fewer jobs.”
GOVERNMENT UNVEILS TECH REHAB CENTERS FOR FUTURE USE
In a related announcement, the Department for Digital Addiction has preemptively established rehabilitation centers for when the nation inevitably crashes from its AI high. “We expect the comedown around 2027,” said future planning minister James Wilson. “By then, we’ll have spent billions on systems that mostly just write marketing emails and generate pictures of cats wearing hats.”
As the nation prepares to inject this computational narcotic directly into its infrastructure, citizens are advised to keep Narcan handy for when the bubble inevitably bursts and the economy starts convulsing from digital withdrawal. Remember, the first hit of disruption is always free; it’s the societal consequences that’ll cost you.
