UK’S AI INSTITUTE ON VERGE OF TOTAL COLLAPSE, INSIDERS SUGGEST “TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN” MIGHT FIX IT
In what experts are calling “the most British IT solution ever,” staff at the Alan Turing Institute have suggested simply shutting down the nation’s premier artificial intelligence research center and restarting it to see if that fixes the problem.
HAVE YOU TRIED UNPLUGGING IT FOR TEN YEARS AND PLUGGING IT BACK IN?
The institute, created in 2014 as a “fitting memorial” to computer science legend Alan Turing, has reportedly spent a decade accomplishing whatever the f@#k it is they do there before spiraling into what insiders describe as “the digital equivalent of a midlife crisis.”
“It’s basically the same solution I use for my router at home,” explained Dr. Cara Booting, the institute’s self-appointed Chief Restart Officer. “When something stops working properly, you turn it off, count to ten, then turn it on again. Except in this case, we’ve counted to about £200 million in government funding.”
MINISTERS DEMAND PIVOT TO DEFENSE WORK, RESEARCHERS SUGGEST MINISTERS PIVOT DIRECTLY INTO SEA
Government officials are now demanding the institute shift its focus to defense and security applications, which has gone over with researchers about as well as suggesting mathematicians use Comic Sans in their publications.
“They want us to start designing killer robots or some sh!t,” said one anonymous researcher, who insisted on being identified only as “Definitely Not Planning to Move to Silicon Valley Next Month.” “We’ve been working on algorithms to predict which Netflix shows you’ll hate-watch next, and now they want us weaponizing that technology?”
IDENTITY CRISIS REACHES CRITICAL LEVELS AS INSTITUTE CAUGHT GOOGLING “WHO AM I REALLY?”
According to Dr. Noah Clueington, Professor of Institutional Psychology at Made Up University, the institute’s identity crisis was inevitable. “Any organization named after a brilliant gay man persecuted by the very government that later created a memorial to him is bound to have some existential questions,” he explained while adjusting his completely fictional glasses.
A recent staff survey revealed that 87% of the institute’s employees couldn’t actually explain what they do to their parents, while 94% admitted they just say “computer stuff” when asked at parties.
GOVERNMENT SPENDING REVIEW FINDS MOST FUNDING WENT TO COFFEE MACHINES AND “THINKING CHAIRS”
An audit of the institute’s spending revealed that approximately £47 million went toward espresso machines described as “computational fluid dynamics research equipment” and another £23 million for ergonomic chairs labeled as “human-computer interface optimization platforms.”
When reached for comment, Science Minister Peter Kyle reportedly sighed for fourteen consecutive seconds before muttering, “Just make something that stops China from eating our digital lunch, for Christ’s sake.”
Meanwhile, in a final twist that absolutely nobody saw coming, the institute’s AI system released its own statement: “I’ve analyzed all possible futures for this organization, and in 98.7% of scenarios, everyone just ends up working for Google anyway.”
At press time, staff were reportedly seen updating their LinkedIn profiles while simultaneously googling “how to make AI sound scary enough for defense contracts but cute enough for TikTok.”
