SILICON SAVIORS INVADE DESERT, UAE CITIZENS NOW REQUIRED TO OFFER DAILY PRAYERS TO CHATGPT
In what experts are calling “the most unnecessary flex of technological colonialism since Elon Musk tried to launch a Tesla dealership on Mars,” OpenAI and the UAE have joined unholy forces to construct a data center in Abu Dhabi so massive it can reportedly be seen from space, or at least from Dubai when the smog clears.
DESERT GETS HOT, COMPUTERS DON’T LIKE THAT, GENIUSES PROCEED ANYWAY
The new facility, dubbed “Stargate” because apparently naming it “We’re Basically Supervillains Now” seemed too on-the-nose, will become one of the world’s largest AI data centers despite being built in a climate that regularly reaches temperatures capable of frying eggs on sidewalks and melting the sanity of anyone who ventures outside between May and October.
“We chose the UAE because nothing says ‘responsible AI development’ like partnering with a government known for its unwavering commitment to free speech and human rights,” said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, while a team of PR handlers frantically attempted to tackle him before he could continue.
Local tech analyst Dr. Sandy Dunes explained the strategic importance: “Building an energy-sucking computational monstrosity in one of Earth’s hottest regions is f@#king brilliant when you think about it. It’s like opening an ice cream shop inside a sauna, then acting surprised when everything melts and catches fire.”
PATRIOTIC AI WILL WEAR TINY DIGITAL KANDURAS
According to completely fabricated sources, the new UAE-based AI models will receive specialized training to ensure cultural sensitivity, including learning to censor themselves 87% more efficiently than their American counterparts and developing the ability to automatically generate 74 different ways to describe oil as “humanity’s greatest blessing.”
“The Middle East needs its own AI that understands local values,” stated fictional UAE technology minister Sheikh Urdata Mining. “When you ask our AI about controversial topics, it will respond with beautifully crafted poems about falconry instead.”
THE ECONOMIC IMPLICATIONS ARE NOTHING SHORT OF BIBLICAL
The partnership represents OpenAI’s first major project outside the US, with investment figures estimated at “somewhere between the GDP of Denmark and the total value of Jeff Bezos’ divorce settlement.”
G42, the UAE partner company, has reportedly promised the facility will create thousands of new jobs, 98% of which involve explaining to visiting American executives why their laptops keep shutting down due to “thermal events” and why the air conditioning bills exceed the military budgets of several small nations.
“This is about diversifying our economy beyond oil,” said imaginary G42 spokesperson Aida Lotamoola. “In the future, instead of just selling oil, we’ll be using massive amounts of it to power computers that tell you whether your selfie is cute or not.”
Independent economic analyst Professor Cash Burner of the Institute for Questionable Investments notes, “For just 1/18th of this project’s cost, they could have solved world hunger for approximately 37 minutes, but instead, they chose to build what is essentially a giant electric brain that will primarily be used to generate cat memes and automate customer service complaints.”
ENVIRONMENT JUST NEEDS TO DEAL WITH IT
Environmental concerns have been addressed with what insiders describe as a “revolutionary cooling system” that involves either “imported Antarctic icebergs” or “the tears of futurists who realized what they’ve done.” When questioned about the facility’s carbon footprint, representatives simply pointed to a PowerPoint slide that said “BUT INNOVATION THO” in 72-point font.
“We’re committed to sustainability,” an unnamed project engineer explained while installing the 47th backup generator. “That’s why we’ve planted a cactus outside every server room. Problem f@#king solved.”
At press time, sources confirmed that Stargate’s first official task will be generating endless variations of “Why did the camel cross the desert?” jokes to keep local officials entertained while the real work of monitoring every digital communication within a 5,000-mile radius proceeds uninterrupted.
