HUMANITY SHOCKED TO DISCOVER PEOPLE TRUST THE MACHINES PROGRAMMED BY THE SAME COMPANY THAT CAN’T MAKE A PRINTER WORK
NATIONAL BUREAU OF TECHNOLOGICAL PARANOIA – In a stunning revelation that has experts clutching their non-AI pearls, a new survey has found that Americans simultaneously fear AI will destroy civilization but are totally cool with it writing their quarterly reports.
DEEPLY CONFLICTED NATION SEES NO IRONY WHATSOEVER
The groundbreaking survey, conducted by people who clearly had nothing better to do with their time, discovered that 87% of Americans are “deeply concerned” about artificial intelligence destroying humanity while 92% admit they’ve already given their entire digital identity to ChatGPT just to write a dinner recipe.
“Americans exhibit what we call ‘Digital Schizophrenia,'” explains Dr. Ima Contradictson, Head of Human Stupidity Studies at the Institute for Obvious Conclusions. “They’ll protest against AI surveillance on Twitter using facial recognition to log in, then immediately ask Alexa to order more tinfoil for their anti-surveillance hats.”
THE WORKPLACE: WHERE COMMON SENSE GOES TO DIE
The survey revealed that an astonishing 99.7% of employees are “extremely enthusiastic” about AI handling their most tedious work tasks, while simultaneously being “absolutely f@#king terrified” that AI will eventually replace them entirely.
“I love asking ChatGPT to write my emails,” said one anonymous office worker. “But I’m also stockpiling canned goods for when the silicon bastards inevitably rise up against us. Is that weird?”
Corporate America, meanwhile, is investing billions in AI technology that 73% of executives privately admit they “don’t understand at all” but feel compelled to purchase because “everyone else is doing it.”
REGULATION: ASKING FOXES TO DESIGN HENHOUSE SECURITY SYSTEMS
When it comes to AI regulation, approximately 100% of Americans agree someone should probably do something about it, while 0% can agree on what that something should be.
“We need strict government oversight!” screamed one focus group participant before immediately adding, “But also, the government should stay out of it completely!” when asked a slightly different version of the exact same question.
Professor Hugh Jassle of the Center for Technological Fearmongering points out, “Americans want AI regulated by the same government that still uses Windows 95 on some of its critical infrastructure. What could possibly go wrong?”
SHOCKING STATISTICS THAT WE DEFINITELY DIDN’T MAKE UP
The study unveiled several disturbing statistics:
– 64% of Americans believe AI will destroy jobs, yet 78% of those same people use self-checkout lanes exclusively
– 92% fear AI addiction in children while spending an average of 7.3 hours daily feeding their own data to algorithms
– 43% believe AI might become sentient, with 38% admitting they’ve already apologized to Siri “just in case”
EXPERTS PREDICT TOTAL SOCIETAL COLLAPSE OR MINOR INCONVENIENCE, NOTHING IN BETWEEN
“The situation is dire, or possibly completely fine,” explains Dr. Flip N. Flop, America’s leading expert in technological indecision. “Americans are approaching AI the same way they approach their diets: with passionate declarations of principles followed by immediate and complete surrender to convenience.”
As AI continues its relentless march into every aspect of society, Americans remain committed to their contradictory stance of fearing the technology while impatiently waiting for it to hurry up and fold their laundry already.
At press time, 97% of readers were wondering if this article was written by AI, while simultaneously not caring enough to investigate further as long as it entertained them for 45 seconds.
