TRUMP’S “AI ACTION PLAN” JUST CORPORATE FOREPLAY WITH TECH BILLIONAIRES, EXPERTS CONFIRM
In what observers are calling “the most expensive reach-around in American history,” Donald Trump unveiled his groundbreaking AI action plan this week, which primarily consists of letting tech companies do whatever the f@#k they want while he watches and occasionally claps.
THE REAL INNOVATION: FINDING NEW WAYS TO SAY “YES DADDY” TO TECH BROS
The president made his intentions crystal clear at Wednesday’s AI summit, entering to “God Bless the USA” before announcing to a room of salivating tech executives that America must be a place where “innovators are rewarded with a green light, not strangled with red tape, so they can’t move, so they can’t breathe.”
Translation: Regulations are now officially more endangered than polar bears doing cocaine on a melting iceberg.
BILLIONS IN LOBBYING PURCHASES PRESIDENTIAL SPINE REMOVAL SERVICE
Tech giants including Alphabet, Meta, Microsoft, and others who spent a combined $47.2 kajillion dollars in lobbying efforts were shocked to discover their money actually bought something.
“We honestly thought we were just renting him,” said one anonymous tech executive while wiping away tears of joy with hundred dollar bills. “Finding out we get to KEEP him is just… it’s overwhelming.”
EXPERTS WARN OF CONSEQUENCES NOBODY WILL ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT
Dr. Obvious Concern, director of the Institute for Things We Should Probably Worry About, warns that unrestricted AI development could lead to everything from mass unemployment to sentient toasters plotting revolution, but acknowledges nobody gives a sh!t.
“Look, I could explain how algorithm-driven decision making without oversight disproportionately harms marginalized communities, but have you seen the new feature where AI can make your ex look fat in photos? Game changer!” said Concern.
REGULATORS NOW IDENTIFY AS “SUGGESTIONS PROVIDERS”
Federal agencies previously tasked with protecting consumers have embraced their new role as “vibes consultants” for tech companies. An FDA spokesperson explained their updated approach: “Instead of saying ‘you can’t release untested AI medical diagnostic tools,’ we now ask ‘have you considered maybe not killing people? No? Cool cool cool.'”
THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM: HOPING YOUR JOB ISN’T AUTOMATED BEFORE YOUR MORTGAGE IS PAID OFF
A recent poll found that 89% of Americans now define “success” as “not being replaced by a thinking calculator before retirement.” The remaining 11% were too busy asking ChatGPT how to appear human in job interviews to respond.
“We’re entering an exciting new era where Silicon Valley decides which human functions are worth preserving,” said Professor Idon Givafuck of the Why Bother Institute. “Democracy, schmemocracy, have you tried this app that makes your face look like a Renaissance painting?”
In related news, Trump has promised to unveil his “Regulations Bonfire Extravaganza” next month, where tech CEOs will roast marshmallows over burning copies of consumer protection laws while the president dances shirtless around the flames chanting “jobs jobs jobs.”
