WORLD STUNNED AS TRUMP OFFERS TO TRADE GPU CHIPS FOR WORLD PEACE: “MY GRAPHICS CARDS BRING ALL THE COUNTRIES TO THE YARD”

Former and potentially future President Donald J. Trump has unveiled his master plan for bringing lasting peace to the Middle East: dangling shiny computer parts like car keys to a fussy toddler. The man who previously suggested nuking hurricanes now believes Nvidia GPUs can solve generational conflicts.

MIDDLE EAST LEADERS SUDDENLY CARE DEEPLY ABOUT PROCESSING POWER

In a shocking development that absolutely nobody saw coming, nations with centuries of complex geopolitical tensions have apparently decided that what they really need isn’t land, water rights, or religious autonomy, but fancy silicon rectangles that make ChatGPT spit out responses faster.

“Look, it’s very simple,” explained Trump at a rally in Pennsylvania where attendees thought they were getting a speech on immigration. “Saudi Arabia needs these very powerful, very special chips. The best chips. Much better than Doritos. And they’re willing to be very, very nice to Israel if we give them these chips. It’s the art of the deal, folks!”

International relations expert Dr. Ivor Noideawhatimtalkingabout clarified the strategy: “We’re essentially using global technological superiority as a f@#king bargaining chip, literally. What could possibly go wrong when we hand over powerful computational technology to countries with complicated human rights records? I’m sure they’ll just use them to generate cat memes and not for anything problematic whatsoever.”

THE “GRAPHICS CARD DOCTRINE” REPLACES ACTUAL DIPLOMACY

The plan, dubbed “Peace Through Processing Power” by exactly no one, involves easing export restrictions on specialized AI chips from companies like Nvidia and AMD to Middle Eastern nations in exchange for them being nicer to each other.

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” said Professor Obvious Conclusion from the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious. “Imagine if during the Cold War we’d tried to solve tensions by offering the Soviet Union exclusive access to Atari game consoles. That’s basically what we’re doing here, except with technology that actually matters.”

THE FINE PRINT: PLEASE DON’T SHARE WITH CHINA, PRETTY PLEASE?

The strategy comes with one tiny caveat: countries receiving these precious technological wafers must pinky-swear not to share them with China. Because international espionage operations famously respect the honor system.

“We’re putting in VERY strict controls,” insisted a White House official who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being associated with this batsh!t plan. “Recipients must sign a really stern form promising not to give China access. It’s foolproof! We’ll know if they’re cheating because China will suddenly start releasing AI systems that don’t exclusively generate propaganda about how Taiwan isn’t a country.”

EXPERTS PREDICT 97.3% CHANCE OF THIS GOING HORRIBLY WRONG

According to a completely made-up study we’re citing anyway, international technology experts predict this plan has roughly the same chance of success as solving global warming by asking everyone to blow on the Earth really hard.

“Graphics cards don’t kill people,” argued Second Amendment enthusiast and technology consultant Guy Whomissedthepoint. “People with graphics cards running sophisticated weapons targeting algorithms kill people. But nevertheless, I support the constitutional right to bear RTX 4090s.”

ISRAEL AND SAUDI ARABIA REPORTEDLY “CONFUSED BUT INTERESTED”

Sources close to Middle Eastern leadership indicate both Saudi Arabia and Israel are “perplexed but intrigued” by Trump’s proposal, much like how one might react to being offered a jet ski as compensation for a car accident.

“We were thinking more along the lines of traditional security guarantees and economic partnerships,” said one anonymous Saudi official, “but sure, we’ll take some graphics cards too. Can they run Fortnite? My son wants to know.”

In a final twist that surprised absolutely no one, Trump has reportedly suggested that any peace deals include naming rights, with the potential “Trump Peace Plaza” to be constructed in Jerusalem featuring a 50-foot gold statue of the former president holding what appears to be a graphics card but is actually just a very shiny credit card.

One thing is certain: in Trump’s new world order, international relations are just like video games – whoever has the best graphics card wins.