PRESIDENT WHO CAN’T OPERATE EMAIL THREATENS TO DESTROY GLOBAL TECHNOLOGY SUPPLY CHAIN
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of threatening to nuke the moon,” former and potentially future President Donald Trump has issued an ultimatum to the semiconductor industry that has tech executives reaching for both their anxiety medication and dictionary apps.
MAN WHO THINKS “CHIP” IS SOMETHING YOU EAT WITH SALSA MAKES DEMANDS
Speaking to a crowd of supporters who collectively own more firearms than books, Trump declared that chip manufacturers must immediately relocate their trillion-dollar fabrication plants to American soil or face “a very large tariff.” When asked to specify how large, Trump reportedly spread his arms wide and said, “This large. The largest. Nobody has ever seen tariffs this huge.”
“It’s quite simple,” explained Dr. Ima Notreal, Professor of Economic Hallucinations at Figment University. “Trump wants to solve the complex global semiconductor supply chain issue the same way he solves all problems: by yelling at it until it gets scared and goes away.”
APPLE EXECUTIVES REPORTEDLY BUILDING BUNKERS FILLED WITH MAC CHARGERS
Industry insiders report that Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, responded to Trump’s threat by immediately ordering 500,000 shovels and asking if West Virginia has good WiFi. “We’re totally prepared to move our entire manufacturing ecosystem to Appalachia,” whispered a source who requested anonymity because “I’m making this sh!t up completely.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, relocating the global chip industry to the US would cost approximately $47 trillion, create 12 jobs, and require 97% of Nevada to be converted into clean rooms.
“The semiconductor industry operates on margins thinner than Trump’s actual hair,” explained economic analyst Richard “Dick” Figures. “Adding a f@#king tariff would increase smartphone prices by roughly 8,000%, meaning your next iPhone would cost more than your kidney but function with roughly the same efficiency.”
AMERICANS PREPARE FOR FUTURE WHERE CALCULATORS COST MORE THAN CARS
A recent poll shows that 78% of Americans cannot define “semiconductor,” with 43% believing it’s “a train conductor who only works part-time” and 22% thinking it’s “what happens when you get halfway through an orchestra performance.”
When informed that moving chip production to America would take approximately 10-15 years and hundreds of billions in infrastructure investment, Trump reportedly suggested, “Just build them in my hotels. We have the best rooms. Many people are saying our rooms would be perfect for those tiny little computer thingies.”
In response to the news, Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company (TSMC) has reportedly begun investigating whether chips can be manufactured underwater, as that may be their island’s future geological status.
At press time, Trump was reportedly asking advisors if the tariffs could be printed on “really nice paper” and whether chips could be manufactured with “less of those complicated squiggly lines and more American flag designs.”
