NUCLEAR-POWERED SAND CASTLES: TRUMP TRADES ENTIRE U.S. TECH INDUSTRY FOR THREE CAMELS AND A “REALLY NICE” GOLDEN TOILET
In what experts are calling “the most spectacularly lopsided trade deal since Manhattan was purchased for $24 worth of trinkets,” former President Donald Trump has essentially gifted the entire American AI infrastructure to the Middle East while receiving absolutely f@#king nothing in return except a firm handshake and what witnesses describe as “a weird little dance.”
DESERT STORM 2: SILICON BOOGALOO
The deals, announced during Trump’s “Please Like Me Again” Gulf tour, involve Nvidia shipping “hundreds of thousands” of AI chips to Saudi Arabia, a country primarily known for its progressive women’s rights policies and absolutely not murdering journalists whatsoever.
“This is tremendous for America,” shouted Trump while inexplicably twirling a glowing orb. “They’re giving us $600 billion, the biggest number ever, possibly in history. Some say it’s more than all the sand in the desert, and there’s a lot of sand here, believe me.”
When pressed for details on where exactly this mythical $600 billion would be going, Trump’s team provided reporters with a crude crayon drawing of a money bag with “$$$” written on it.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET IT
Dr. Fiscul Respawnsubility, economist at the Institute for Actually Thinking Things Through, provided this assessment: “What we’re witnessing is essentially the largest technology transfer in human history, but somehow we’ve convinced ourselves we’re winning because a man with a combover said so.”
Meanwhile, Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang was spotted practicing how to say “I’m just the chip guy” in seventeen different languages for his eventual congressional testimony.
THE HOTTEST NEW TREND: GIVING AWAY YOUR COUNTRY’S TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANTAGE
The deals include shipping 18,000 of Nvidia’s newest “Blackwell” chips to Humain, a Saudi AI company that absolutely promises to use this processing power solely for improving kebab delivery times and not for anything sinister whatsoever.
“These chips will transform everyday life in Saudi Arabia,” claimed Prince Bin Payin’ Alot, who requested anonymity despite providing his actual name and title. “For instance, soon our facial recognition systems will be able to determine if a woman is showing an ankle from up to two miles away.”
WHAT’S NEXT? PROBABLY SOMETHING WORSE
“This partnership represents a bold new chapter in American innovation,” said Secretary of Something Important Mitch McConnell, reading from a teleprompter while a man in traditional Gulf attire stood behind him holding a comically large bag with a dollar sign on it.
According to renowned security expert Professor Warren Peece, approximately 94.7% of Americans couldn’t find Saudi Arabia on a map, making this the perfect time to hand over technology that will fundamentally reshape global power dynamics for generations.
“It just makes sense,” said Trump, watching as workers loaded crates of America’s most advanced technology onto cargo planes. “They have all this sand, we have all these computer chips. They need the chips because sand gets everywhere, trust me, it’s very irritating.”
At press time, G42, the UAE-based AI company partnering with Cisco, had already updated its corporate mission statement to “Definitely Not Planning World Domination, Why Would You Even Think That?”
