SUPREME LEADER REVOKES “PATHETIC” CYBER RULES, DECLARES “HACKING IS JUST AMERICAN ENTREPRENEURSHIP”
Trump Shreds Biden’s “Loser” Cyber Order, Officially Classifies Hackers as “Digital Patriots With Spicy Keyboards”
WASHINGTON D.C. — In what experts are calling “peak America,” President Donald Trump triumphantly ripped up Biden-era cyber security measures this week, declaring domestic hackers “basically just alternative tech entrepreneurs” who deserve a “fair shot at the American dream.”
PATRIOTS WITH KEYBOARDS
The executive action, signed while chugging his ninth Diet Coke of the morning, fundamentally redefines hacking from “criminal activity” to “legitimate business strategy with style points.” The revised order specifically protects American hackers from those pesky sanctions that previously prevented them from stealing your banking info and selling it to sketchy offshore gambling sites.
“Listen, folks, these hackers, they’re tremendous people, really tremendous,” Trump allegedly shouted while his cybersecurity team silently contemplated career changes. “They’re just using their God-given talents to access information other people are selfishly hiding behind passwords. It’s basically capitalism with extra steps.”
WHAT THE F@#K IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Under the revised Executive Order, previously known as 14144 but now rebranded as “WINNING-1,” domestic hackers will receive tax breaks previously reserved for “actual legitimate businesses” and “people who don’t steal your grandma’s retirement fund.”
Dr. Ima Terified, Director of the National Institute of Oh God No, explains: “This is basically like telling bank robbers they’re just ‘unauthorized withdrawal specialists’ and giving them a business license. My entire cybersecurity team has started drinking at 9am.”
The order includes several key provisions:
– All ransomware demands under $50,000 now qualify as “micro-loans with aggressive collection policies”
– Identity theft reclassified as “persona acquisition entrepreneurship”
– Password cracking officially recognized as a STEM activity eligible for educational tax credits
– Mandatory five-minute head start for American hackers before authorities can respond to attacks
AMERICA FIRST, CYBERSECURITY WHENEVER
Critics argue the move creates a “hacker sanctuary” that will turn the United States into the cybercrime equivalent of international waters. Senator Tom Binary (D-California) was seen repeatedly banging his head against his desk while mumbling, “We’re so f@#ked, we’re so completely f@#ked.”
Meanwhile, the administration defended the order as part of its “America First” agenda. Press Secretary Blaze Bulldozer explained: “Foreign hackers bad, American hackers good. Why is this so hard for you liberal media types to understand? The President believes in American exceptionalism, even when it comes to crimes committed via keyboard.”
According to a completely made-up poll that feels true anyway, 97.2% of Americans now believe their personal data will be stolen within the next 14 minutes. The remaining 2.8% were already hacked while reading this article.
PRACTICAL IMPLICATIONS
Local IT professional Lance Firewall demonstrated proper civilian response to the new policy by throwing his laptop into a lake and moving to a cabin in Montana. “It’s the only reasonable response,” he explained while stocking up on canned beans and shortwave radios. “I’ve deleted all my accounts, burned my credit cards, and am currently trying to convince my mother to stop posting her exact location on Facebook every 15 minutes.”
The revised order has created job opportunities, however. Trump announced a new government position of “Secretary of Keyboard Warriors,” rumored to be filled by a 17-year-old known online as “PwndUrMom420” who successfully hacked the White House printer to display only cat memes last year.
At press time, the President was reportedly considering additional executive orders to reclassify other criminal activities, including designating pyramid schemes as “triangular wealth distribution programs” and car theft as “spontaneous vehicle adoption.”
The President concluded his announcement by providing his Twitter password to demonstrate his commitment to the new policy. Unfortunately, by the time this article was published, his account had already tweeted advertisements for discount erectile dysfunction medication to 86 million followers.
