TRUMP THREATENS TO LOBOTOMIZE AMERICA’S ELECTRONIC BRAINCHILDREN WHILE DEMANDING THEY GROW STRONGER
In a move that can only be described as “trying to win a marathon by shooting yourself in both feet,” the Trump administration has revealed its master plan to dominate global artificial intelligence by… wait for it… gutting the very research institutions that make AI possible.
AREA MAN TRIES TO BUILD SKYSCRAPER BY REMOVING FOUNDATION
Last month, Trump unveiled “America’s AI Action Plan,” a document so ambitious it promises to make America the undisputed champion of algorithm Americans while simultaneously dismantling the scientific ecosystem that created them. The plan, written in what experts describe as “crayon on the back of a KFC bucket,” outlines a bold strategy of beating China by essentially becoming scientifically illiterate.
“It’s like promising to win the Olympics while also canceling your gym membership, firing your coach, and adopting a strict diet of cheese puffs,” explained Dr. Obvious Contradiction, Director of the Institute for F@#king Common Sense.
CUTTING OFF NOSE TO SPIDER-FACE CHINA
The cuts target virtually every organization with more than three letters in its acronym, including the NIH, NSF, DARPA, and NASA, creating what scientists call a “perfect sh!tstorm of stupidity.” These organizations have merely contributed to small achievements like THE ENTIRE FOUNDATION OF MODERN COMPUTING.
“We’re going to be so competitive in AI, you won’t believe it,” said an administration official who requested anonymity because they “still want to be employable after this dumpster fire burns out.” “We’re going to dominate by starving our research institutions. It’s like training for a boxing match by removing your arms. Very innovative approach.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN IMMEDIATELY WEIGH OUT
Professor Facepalm McSigh from the Department of Are You Kidding Me at Reality University noted that 98.7% of AI developments originated from the very institutions now facing budget guillotines.
“This is like wanting to win the Space Race by defunding NASA… which we’re also doing,” she added before excusing herself to “scream into a pillow for approximately 47 minutes.”
AMERICA FIRST IN SELF-SABOTAGE
The administration’s strategy appears to be modeled on the highly successful approach of “wanting to have your cake, eating it, setting the bakery on fire, and then demanding more cake immediately.”
Studies show that 112% of scientific breakthroughs require what experts call “money” and “institutional support,” both of which are apparently considered radical leftist concepts according to sources familiar with the administration’s thinking.
“China is laughing so hard they’ve had to install national oxygen stations to prevent mass fainting,” said international relations expert Dr. Hugh Jidiot. “They were planning to spend billions to overtake us in AI research, but now they’re just sending thank you cards to Washington instead.”
PLAN B: YELLING “BE SMARTER” AT COMPUTERS
When questioned about the contradiction, White House officials suggested alternative methods for advancing American AI dominance, including “positive thinking,” “patriotic algorithms,” and “asking Siri really nicely.”
The administration has also proposed a groundbreaking funding model where scientists can “do more with less” by “figuring it out” and “being American about it.”
In a related development, the White House announced plans to win the next World Cup by disbanding all American soccer teams and replacing goal posts with pictures of goals.
“You don’t need fancy ‘research’ or ‘science’ to be the best,” said one official while attempting to charge his phone by shouting at it. “That’s just what the deep state wants you to think.”
At press time, the administration was reportedly working on a new plan to become a global leader in medical research by replacing the CDC with a Magic 8-Ball and three episodes of Dr. Oz.
