TRUMP HANDS ENTIRE SILICON VALLEY TO UAE, TELLS CALIFORNIA “YOU’RE FIRED”
In a move that has tech experts choking on their kombucha, President Donald Trump has essentially gift-wrapped America’s artificial intelligence supremacy and handed it to the United Arab Emirates with a big golden bow that reportedly read “America Second?”
DESERT NERDS CELEBRATE AS AMERICA OUTSOURCES ITS DIGITAL BRAIN
The UAE, known primarily for building really tall sh!t in the middle of the desert, will now construct what’s being called the “biggest f@#king AI campus outside the US,” according to sources who can’t believe this is actually happening. The deal, signed while Trump was busy confusing various Middle Eastern countries on his map, essentially gives the UAE access to advanced AI chips that the previous administration had restricted faster than you can say “national security concern.”
“This is absolutely tremendous for the UAE,” Trump reportedly declared. “They’re going to build something so big, so beautiful, you won’t believe it. The most tremendous AI, maybe ever. And I told them, ‘you better name at least one algorithm after me.'”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHY THE ACTUAL F@#K THIS IS HAPPENING
Dr. Hugh Jidiot, Director of the Center for Not Giving Away America’s Technological Advantage, expressed shock at the development. “Are you sh!tting me? We’ve spent decades building Silicon Valley, and now we’re just like, ‘Hey oil guys, want our most valuable intellectual property?’ It’s like giving your nuclear launch codes to someone because they complimented your tie.”
According to completely fabricated statistics that feel frighteningly plausible, the new UAE AI campus will employ 87% of America’s unemployed computer scientists who couldn’t afford apartments in San Francisco anyway. The campus will reportedly be shaped like Trump’s head when viewed from space, though this has not been confirmed.
CHINA ENTERS THE CHAT
The previous administration had blocked this very deal over concerns that China might gain access to advanced AI technology. But Trump, demonstrating his legendary dealmaking prowess, apparently solved this problem by simply not thinking about it at all.
“Look, China, UAE, they’re all very different places with very different people who definitely won’t share valuable technology with each other,” explained White House Strategic Oversight and Technology advisor Ima Gullible. “Besides, President Trump received absolute assurances from UAE officials, who crossed their hearts and hoped to die, which is legally binding in international law.”
SILICON VALLEY RELOCATED TO ACTUAL SAND
The new AI campus is expected to be 84 times larger than Google’s headquarters, with gold-plated servers and an algorithm that can automatically generate compliments about authoritarian leaders.
Professor Totally Madeupp from the National Institute of Technology Giveaways estimates that “approximately 99.7% of America’s competitive advantage in the one technology that will define the next century will be compromised within 18 months. But hey, at least we got a really firm handshake out of it.”
When asked about potential security concerns, Trump reportedly said, “Security? We have the best security. Nobody does security better than me. Did you know I invented two-factor authentication? Many people are saying it.”
At press time, the UAE was reportedly already breaking ground on the campus, which will be powered entirely by American tears and feature a special wing dedicated to designing digital overlords that definitely won’t be shared with any countries whose names rhyme with “Gynah.”
