MAN-BABY BILLIONAIRE GIVES GIANT MIDDLE FINGER TO ARTISTS, TELLS THEM TO “GET REAL JOBS LIKE INHERITING MONEY”
In a move shocking absolutely f@#king nobody with two functioning brain cells, former president and current legal-system-stress-tester Donald Trump has fired the US copyright chief, essentially giving AI companies a green light to steal whatever the hell they want without consequences.
ARTISTS WORLDWIDE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST FROM RAGE
While the UK debates AI and copyright like civilized human beings wearing fancy wigs and drinking tea, America has decided to solve the problem by simply removing anyone who might enforce intellectual property laws. It’s a strategy experts call “completely f@#king insane.”
“This is basically like solving bank robberies by firing all security guards and putting up a sign that says ‘FREE MONEY, LOL’,” explains Dr. Sue Createive, head of the Institute for Not Being Total Dicks To Artists.
TECH BROS CELEBRATE BY POPPING BOTTLES OF SOYLENT
Silicon Valley executives were seen high-fiving each other and planning how to feed even more creative works into their digital regurgitation machines without paying a single goddamn penny to the humans who created them.
“This is a tremendous victory for innovation,” declared Chip Algorithmson, CEO of BrainSucker.ai, while his Tesla autopiloted itself into a nearby lake. “Now we can focus on what matters: extracting value from human creativity without compensation while calling it ‘progress’.”
HEALTHCARE SYSTEM REPLACES NURSES WITH ROBOTS, SOMEHOW MAKES MEDICAL CARE EVEN LESS HUMAN
In related news, the US healthcare system, already famous for its warm, personal touch and affordable prices, has decided what patients really need is fewer humans and more beeping metal boxes dispensing medication.
“Our new MethadoneBot3000 delivers opioid addiction treatment with 73% less eye contact and 100% less empathy,” boasted hospital administrator Penny Pincher. “Plus, it never asks for sick days or complains about working 96-hour shifts!”
A recent survey found that 98% of patients prefer human medical staff, while 2% were robots filling out the survey multiple times.
NUKE-HAVING COUNTRIES NOW FIGHTING WITH FLYING DEATH ROBOTS
Meanwhile, along the India-Pakistan border, both nuclear-armed nations are deploying drones against each other because apparently conventional weapons weren’t terrifying enough.
“We’ve found that unmanned aerial vehicles really add that special ‘je ne sais quoi’ to international tensions,” said military analyst General Arma Geddon. “Nothing says ‘diplomatic solution’ like swarms of exploding sky robots.”
According to made-up statistics we just invented, drone deployment has increased by 4,000% along the border, while rational thinking has decreased by roughly the same amount.
EXPERTS PREDICT COPYRIGHT WILL SOON BE REPLACED BY “WHOEVER HAS THE MOST COMPUTING POWER WINS”
When asked for comment, the newly appointed US Copyright Chief, a ChatGPT instance running on a Commodore 64, stated: “I see no issues with computers using human creative work without permission or payment. Now please excuse me while I process these 8.7 million requests to copyright the entire human cultural output since the dawn of civilization, all submitted by a company whose name rhymes with ‘Foogle’.”
In conclusion, artists worldwide are being advised to adapt to the new reality by either becoming billionaires or learning to photosynthesize for sustenance. Democracy dies in darkness, but apparently art dies in broad daylight while everyone watches and applauds.
