**Trump’s EPA Unveils Bold Plan to Protect Environment by Setting It on Fire**
In a stunning display of bold innovation, the newly revamped Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) under the Trump administration has unveiled a five-pillar strategy that includes mass layoffs, an open-door policy for industry lobbyists, and an unexpected embrace of artificial intelligence—because nothing says “clean air and water” like deregulation mixed with algorithms written by coal executives.
New EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin, handpicked for his unwavering devotion to deregulation, made it clear that protecting the environment is still technically a goal… just not the priority. “Sure, clean land, air, and water are in there somewhere,” Zeldin said, gesturing vaguely at a printed copy of the plan, “but let’s focus on what really matters—making polluters feel safe again.”
The plan stops just short of renaming the agency the “Environmental Profit Agency,” but industry insiders feel the message is clear. “For too long, our nation’s biggest companies have been held back by pesky rules meant to prevent ecological collapse,” said Stan Chevron, a lobbyist who recently moved into his new desk at the EPA. “This administration understands that a free market means letting nature fight for itself.”
Surprisingly, the EPA’s vision prominently features artificial intelligence, a decision experts say makes about as much sense as putting a Roomba in charge of wildfire prevention. “AI will revolutionize how we don’t enforce laws,” Zeldin assured reporters, pointing to a complex digital dashboard labeled ‘IGNORE COMPLAINTS.’ “This technology can process environmental violations in record speed—and then automatically delete them.”
Critics argue that this new approach completely ignores the global climate crisis, but Zeldin dismissed these concerns as “overblown.” “People love to talk about ‘science’ and ‘data,’ but let’s not forget that big oil executives also have opinions,” he said. As for the record-breaking heat waves, wildfires, and toxic spills across the country, Zeldin assured the public that, thanks to AI, “we will be able to generate some really convincing Photoshop edits to make things look just fine.”
As the EPA’s workforce faces massive cuts, employees are reportedly preparing for their roles to be replaced by a combination of budget reductions and industry “partnerships.” “I used to investigate water pollution,” said one soon-to-be-fired EPA scientist. “Now I just make coffee for the guy who used to run PR for ExxonMobil.”
Despite the uproar, President Trump proudly declared the new EPA initiative a success. “Under my administration, we care about the environment—very strongly, the best cares,” he said at a rally. “In fact, I recently talked to the environment myself, and let me tell you, it was doing great. Thriving, really.”
With the climate crisis conveniently omitted from all major policy decisions, one thing is clear: the EPA is finally free from the burden of protecting the environment. Instead, it can now focus on what truly matters—making sure corporations never have to suffer the crushing weight of accountability again.
