TRUMP DISMANTLES AI SAFEGUARDS, LEAVING AMERICAN WORKERS ONE ALGORITHM AWAY FROM SERVING COFFEE TO THEIR ROBOT REPLACEMENTS
In a move that shocked absolutely no one with more than four functioning neurons, the Trump administration has decimated protections for American workers against the rising tide of superintelligent calculator overlords, leaving millions of jobs about as secure as a sandcastle in a hurricane.
EXPERTS WARN “OH SH!T, HERE WE GO AGAIN”
Former President Biden had painstakingly crafted guidelines to ensure that thinking toasters wouldn’t completely decimate the American workforce. Trump, demonstrating his legendary business acumen, took approximately seven minutes to throw those protections into a metaphorical woodchipper.
“This is f@#king catastrophic,” explained Dr. Seymore Jobs, director of the Institute for Not Getting Replaced By Excel Spreadsheets With Attitude. “We’re talking about millions of Americans suddenly finding themselves in a cage match with digital entities that never need bathroom breaks, healthcare, or emotional validation.”
SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES PRACTICALLY ORGASMIC
Tech executives, meanwhile, can barely contain their glee, with 97.3% reporting “sustained economic arousal” at the prospect of replacing entire departments with what essentially amounts to spicy calculators.
“We’re absolutely committed to a human-centric approach to AI,” lied Chip Silicone, CEO of HumanJobsBeGone Technologies, while simultaneously signing purchase orders for 10,000 units of what his company calls “employee alternative solutions.”
DEPARTMENT OF LABOR INTRODUCES NEW CLASSIFICATION: “TECHNICALLY EMPLOYED BUT BASICALLY F@#KED”
In response to mounting concerns, the Labor Department has created a new employment category for the estimated 43 million Americans whose careers now have the life expectancy of mayflies.
“We’re optimistic that humans will maintain a critical role in the workforce,” explained Secretary of Labor Dick Replaceable. “Specifically, turning the machines on in the morning and perhaps saying encouraging things to them when they’re processing particularly complex tasks.”
AMERICAN WORKERS ADVISED TO DEVELOP “UNIQUELY HUMAN SKILLS” LIKE “LOOKING WORRIED” AND “APPLYING FOR UNEMPLOYMENT”
Career counselors across the nation are recommending that workers focus on developing skills that number-crunching thought rectangles cannot replicate, such as existential dread, poorly timed bathroom breaks, and the ability to look busy while doing absolutely nothing.
“I’ve been teaching SQL for fifteen years,” lamented community college instructor Mary Jobson. “Now I’m offering a course called ‘How to Smile Convincingly While Handing a Customer Their Burger When You Have Three Advanced Degrees.'”
THE BRIGHT SIDE: AT LEAST THE TERMINATORS WILL HAVE EXCEPTIONAL CUSTOMER SERVICE TRAINING
When reached for comment, the Trump administration pointed to the ‘tremendous opportunities’ created by removing these regulations, including “the most beautiful unemployment numbers you’ve ever seen” and “jobs that haven’t even been invented yet, like professional algorithm pleader.”
In a final statement that perfectly encapsulates the administration’s approach, newly appointed AI Czar Ivanka Trump explained her qualifications for overseeing the nation’s artificial intelligence strategy: “I’ve watched all the Terminator movies, even the bad ones. Twice.”
As America hurdles toward a future where your performance review will be conducted by something that was literally born yesterday, citizens are advised to perfect their most marketable skill: praying that the digital workforce remembers we were kind to Siri.
