TRUMP DEMANDS EU DELETE ENTIRE INTERNET; BRUSSELS OFFERS TO REMOVE MYSPACE INSTEAD
The European Union flatly rejected demands to “erase all internet laws” from the Trump administration today, escalating tensions that experts describe as “the nerdiest trade war imaginable.”
DIGITAL STANDOFF REACHES ABSURD NEW HEIGHTS
In a bombshell statement that shocked absolutely no one with a functioning brainstem, European Commission Vice-President Henna Virkkunen declared that the EU would rather eat glass than abandon its tech regulations to appease Donald Trump’s trade tantrum.
“We are very committed to our digital laws,” Virkkunen stated while visibly suppressing an eye roll. “And no, we are not specifically targeting American companies. It’s just a complete coincidence that American tech firms keep violating basic human rights with the enthusiasm of a toddler in a candy store.”
TRUMP NEGOTIATION TACTICS REVEALED
Sources close to the negotiations report that Trump’s opening offer consisted of a crayon-written note reading “DELETE ALL LAWS OR ELSE” accompanied by a crude drawing of what appeared to be either a nuclear explosion or a particularly angry orange.
“The president believes laws are for losers and Europeans,” explained Dr. Ivana Bendover, Trump’s newly appointed Secretary of Making America Great Again By Screaming At Foreigners. “Our digital companies should be free to harvest user data like it’s f@#king corn season all year round.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETE NONSENSE
Professor Hugh Jassol of the American Institute for Digital Sovereignty claims the standoff represents a fundamental clash of values.
“Europeans think people deserve ‘privacy’ and ‘rights’ online,” Jassol explained, making aggressive air quotes. “Americans understand that clicking ‘I Agree’ on a 70-page terms of service document you didn’t read means your soul belongs to Mark Zuckerberg now. It’s just different cultural perspectives.”
STATISTICAL ANALYSIS SHOWS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
A recent study by the Completely Made Up Research Center found that 87% of Americans couldn’t identify what the EU’s tech laws actually do, while 92% of Europeans couldn’t explain them either despite pretending to understand them at dinner parties.
“The average person just wants their TikTok to work and doesn’t give a sh!t about regulatory frameworks,” said data analyst Dee Z. Nuts. “But approximately 100% of politicians on both sides need something to argue about to justify their existence.”
EU COUNTEROFFER DEEMED “INSULTING”
In response to Trump’s demands, the EU reportedly offered to “maybe consider thinking about possibly contemplating” removing regulations on digital alarm clocks and electronic pencil sharpeners.
Trump’s trade team called the offer “pathetic” and doubled down, threatening massive tariffs on European products including “fancy cheese, those little cars, and anything involving berets.”
As tensions continue to escalate, one anonymous EU official summed up the situation: “We’d rather drink bleach than let Trump dictate our tech policy. And trust me, after four years of his presidency, we’ve considered drinking bleach for entirely different reasons.”
