Trump Declares War on Paper Straws, Cites Personal Battle with ‘Exploding’ Beverages
In yet another bold stance against the creeping tyranny of environmental responsibility, former U.S. President Donald Trump has denounced paper straws as a national security threat, claiming they “explode” and “ruin perfectly good sodas.” Experts remain baffled by the mechanics of this alleged straw detonation, but Trump’s supporters have already mobilized in protest, burning stacks of recyclable materials in a show of patriotism.
“Listen, folks, these paper straws, they just fall apart. It’s sad. It’s weak. It’s the Joe Biden of beverage accessories,” Trump told a raucous rally in Florida, where supporters proudly waved flags made of single-use plastics. “We’re bringing back STRONG straws. Manly straws. The biggest, toughest, Trump-branded plastic straws. Reusable? Who cares! We’ll just make more!”
The move is widely seen as a distraction from larger issues, such as Trump’s recent announcement that he would like to build luxury hotels on the ruins of Gaza, because, as he reportedly put it, “nothing says high-end like beautiful beachfront property with a little history.” Realtors are already preparing glossy brochures promoting “Griefside Condominiums” as an exclusive new place for the ultra-rich to tan while contemplating questionable moral choices.
Meanwhile, world leaders have remained largely silent on both the straw conflict and Trump’s Gaza real estate ambitions. British Prime Minister Keir Starmer was reportedly asked to comment but, true to form, appeared to be locked in a heated internal debate with himself over whether bold opinions are simply too risky. A Starmer spokesperson later clarified: “Keir believes both sides have good points and will be releasing a non-committal statement in 2-3 business days.”
Starbucks, an undeniable battleground in the war over drinking apparatuses, has responded with a counterplay by introducing metal straws shaped like Ruth Bader Ginsburg, worsening the political divide. Liberals have started using them exclusively, while conservatives have begun angrily chewing on their plastic straws like they personally stopped a socialist coup.
“This country will not stand for soggy beverages!” declared one fervent Trump supporter outside a Red Lobster, hoisting a rifle in one hand and a large Coke in the other. He proceeded to suck forcefully through a plastic straw as if it was a show of defiance against wokeness itself.
So what’s next for Trump? Sources close to the former president suggest he may pivot to attacking paper napkins for their softness and weakness, perhaps replacing them with bold, muscular napkins—Trump Towels™—that yell “Make America Dry Again” when unfolded.
What remains clear is this: America will not rest until every fast-food drive-thru is once again drowning in non-biodegradable plastic. And if the environment suffers? Well, at least nobody’s cola will be ruined by the evil forces of pulp-based oppression.
