TRUMP BANS CHIP SOFTWARE EXPORTS TO CHINA, FORCES ENGINEERS TO COMMUNICATE VIA INTERPRETIVE DANCE
In a move experts are calling “technologically constipated,” the Trump administration has ordered American chip design software companies to immediately cease all sales to China, leaving Chinese engineers with nothing but abacuses and really good imaginations to design next-generation semiconductors.
DESPERATE ENGINEERS RESORT TO DRAWING CIRCUITS WITH CRAYONS
As of midnight Tuesday, Chinese semiconductor engineers were seen desperately hoarding Crayola products and attempting to sketch 5-nanometer transistors on napkins. Local restaurants report a 500% increase in napkin theft.
“This is f@#king ridiculous,” said Zhang Wei, lead designer at Huawei, while attempting to map a processor architecture using chopsticks and grains of rice. “How am I supposed to design a chip that can run TikTok without my software? Do they expect me to just THINK REALLY HARD about where electrons should go?”
The ban affects industry-standard design tools that approximately 99.7% of all functioning microchips on Earth require to exist, according to a statistic we just made up but feels truthy enough.
AMERICA SHOOTS SELF IN ECONOMIC FOOT, SOMEHOW BLAMES CHINA’S SHOES
Economic experts predict the ban will cost American companies roughly eleventy-billion dollars in lost revenue, while Chinese companies might experience a mild inconvenience for upwards of six days before completely reverse-engineering everything.
“The administration clearly understands technology on a deep, spiritual level,” commented Dr. Obvi Ouslysarcastic, Chair of International Relations at Make Believe University. “Nothing says ‘America First’ like telling American companies they can’t sell sh!t to one-fifth of the human population. It’s business genius, really.”
CHINA RESPONDS BY BANNING EXPORT OF FORTUNE COOKIES, CAUSING MASS PANIC AT PANDA EXPRESS
Beijing has reportedly threatened to retaliate by withholding exports of fortune cookies, despite the fact that fortune cookies are actually an American invention, a detail literally no one in the administration appeared to know.
“We will survive without their knock-off tech,” shouted President Trump from the White House lawn while holding an iPhone manufactured in China. “American ingenuity will prevail! By the way, has anyone seen my phone charger? This one made in beautiful Zhengzhou keeps breaking.”
WHITE HOUSE CLARIFIES THAT “CHIPS” BAN DOES NOT INCLUDE DORITOS
After initial confusion, the White House press office released a statement clarifying that the ban specifically targets semiconductor design software and not, as many Americans feared, Doritos, Pringles, or any other snack-based chip technologies.
“The American people can rest assured that their God-given right to consume processed corn products remains intact,” said White House spokesperson Lyia McBlatant. “This policy exclusively targets the silicon thingies that make your phones do the stuff.”
Industry analysts predict China will respond by developing their own chip design software within approximately 47 minutes, rendering the entire exercise about as effective as using a squirt gun to fight a forest fire.
At press time, sources confirmed that three American software companies have already rebranded themselves with convincingly non-American names like “Totally Not From USA Design Tools, Inc.” and “We Swear We’re From Switzerland Semiconductors” to circumvent the ban.
The administration is expected to announce next week that breathing Chinese air is unpatriotic, leaving millions of Americans wondering how exactly to comply with that directive while visiting Beijing.
