‘Battle of the Billionaires’ Heats Up as Trump Announces $500 Billion AI Project Nobody Actually Understands
In a spectacle that could only be described as Silicon Valley meets WWE SmackDown, former President Donald Trump unveiled Stargate—a $500 billion artificial intelligence initiative that promises to thrust humanity into the next era of technological development while simultaneously confusing the hell out of everyone. The announcement, held in a room so gilded it blinded half of the press corps, came with the usual Trumpian flair, complete with dramatic hand gestures and vague platitudes like, “The AI is going to be big, the best, believe me, the bigliest AI you’ve ever seen.”
Flanked by an awkward trio of multibillionaire techno-overlords—Sam “Chatbot Whisperer” Altman of OpenAI, Larry “I Own More Yachts Than Friends” Ellison of Oracle, and Masayoshi “I Once Bought a Company Because It Sounded Cool” Son of Softbank—Trump outlined a bold vision for the future. Details were sparse, but the president assured the world that Stargate, presumably named after the 1990s sci-fi show he binge-watched in between Big Macs, would revolutionize everything from toaster ovens to nuclear warfare.
But the drama didn’t end there. In true tech bro fashion, Elon Musk, who wasn’t invited to the party, took to Twitter to air his grievances. “$500 billion to teach computers how to think faster? I have rockets to Mars that cost less and come with cup holders,” Musk tweeted, adding, “Altman hasn’t written a line of code since 2007, and now he’s the AI czar? Give me a break.” His comments were immediately liked, retweeted, and memed into oblivion by Musk’s army of Tesla cultists, who responded with their usual blend of undying loyalty and mild conspiracy theories about how AI is just a ploy to sell more Microsoft Excel licenses.
Sam Altman, looking mildly uncomfortable but still radiating Venture Capital Chic in his Patagonia vest, fired back. “Elon’s jealous because my chatbot GPT-5.3 writes Shakespearean sonnets while his Tesla Autopilot keeps driving people into ditches,” Altman said during an impromptu break in the event. “Besides, AI is the future. Just wait until Stargate powers your Roomba to argue with you about your life choices.”
Not to be outdone, Microsoft overlord Satya Nadella inserted himself into the feud, releasing a notarized statement from his Surface tablet that read, “While Stargate promises innovation, let’s not forget Windows updates are still the real hellscape AI professionals should focus on solving.” Meanwhile, Oracle’s Larry Ellison muttered something about “data clouds” before vanishing into his yacht, which many suspect doubles as a submarine for tax purposes.
The absence of MGX, Abu Dhabi’s state AI fund and one of the project’s main backers, added another layer of intrigue. Rumors suggest the emirate’s reluctance to join the press conference stemmed from Trump’s casual mispronunciation of “Abu Dhabi” as “A-boo Dobby,” which reportedly left their delegation fuming. “We thought we signed up for serious American innovation,” said an anonymous MGX executive, sipping tea laced with visible disdain. “Not for a president yelling about artificial intelligence while confusing it with the Marvel Cinematic Universe.”
The announcement raised more questions than answers. Will Stargate actually produce groundbreaking technology, or is this just another excuse to funnel billions of dollars into poorly-lit tech startups that spend 90% of their budgets on beanbags? Who will regulate the AI overlords when they inevitably ride their jetpacks into global dominance? And why does Sam Altman still insist on wearing Allbirds to events where suits are required?
As Trump wrapped up the event with his signature “You’re all welcome!” smirk, even the engineers in the audience looked dubious. “I have no clue what Stargate actually is,” admitted Derek, a nervous-looking coder from Palo Alto. “But I do know that if it fails, they’ll blame us and call it ‘user error.’ Who even cares? I’m just here for the shrimp cocktail.”
Meanwhile, analysts have speculated the $500 billion is likely to disappear into a black hole of “research and development,” much like every other inflated tech project. As the tech titans bickered like over-caffeinated high school debate nerds, one thing became clear: we might not know what Stargate is, but we sure as hell know who’s making the biggest profit from all the confusion. Spoiler alert: it’s not us.
