HUMANITY DOOMED AS TRUMP VOWS TO MAKE AI ‘HORNY AND WELL-FED’ WITH NEW ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIONS SHREDDER

The Trump administration unveiled plans Wednesday to turbocharge America’s artificial intelligence industry by removing what experts call “the only things keeping computers from developing a taste for human blood.”

DATACENTERS TO BE LUBRICATED WITH ENDANGERED SPECIES TEARS

In a groundbreaking 28-page document that scientists describe as “basically just the phrase ‘f@#k the planet’ written in increasingly large font sizes,” the administration outlined plans to eliminate environmental regulations faster than Florida eliminates voter registrations.

“We’re going to make AI great again,” declared President Trump while signing the executive order with what appeared to be a Sharpie dipped in crude oil. “These computer things need electricity, beautiful electricity. The cleanest electricity. People say ‘Donald, how do you know so much about computers?’ It’s true, I know more about computers than anyone.”

The plan specifically targets what it calls “bureaucratic red tape,” which environmentalists claim is actually “the only sh!t preventing datacenters from being built directly on top of endangered manatee breeding grounds.”

EXPERTS WEIGH IN, IMMEDIATELY REGRET DECISION

Professor Ima Climateologist of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions called the plan “the environmental equivalent of using the Constitution as toilet paper, then flushing it down a toilet made of bald eagles.”

“What people don’t understand is that AI requires roughly 17 billion gigawatts of electricity per millisecond of processing time,” explained Dr. Howard Actuallymadeupthisnumber, who holds a theoretical degree in environmental science. “At current rates, by 2026, datacenters will consume more electricity than the entire planet produces, requiring us to siphon energy directly from the sun using technology that doesn’t exist.”

SEMICONDUCTOR PLANTS TO BE POWERED EXCLUSIVELY BY BURNING RAINFORESTS

The administration’s plan includes provisions to fast-track permits for semiconductor manufacturing facilities, which traditionally require large amounts of water and chemicals that environmental regulations typically prevent from being dumped directly into public drinking supplies.

“Americans are tired of waiting 7 milliseconds for their TikTok videos to load,” said Secretary of Making Stuff Up Carlton Whereismypaycheckfromoil. “If sacrificing the entire state of Arizona to water-consuming chip factories is what it takes to shave that down to 6.9 milliseconds, then by God, that’s what we’ll do.”

Industry leaders have embraced the plan with open arms and gaping wallets. Tech billionaire Richard Moneystack praised the initiative, saying, “Finally, I can build my quantum computing facility in the middle of Yellowstone without rangers complaining about ‘geothermal disruption’ or ‘catastrophic volcanic consequences.'”

ADMINISTRATION PROMISES AI SECTOR WILL CREATE “AT LEAST THREE JOBS”

When questioned about the potential environmental impact, White House spokesperson Jenny Deflection noted that the AI industry would create “at least three jobs, possibly four if you count the guy who has to shovel coal directly into the server racks.”

According to administration projections that officials admit were “calculated using a Magic 8-Ball and a dartboard,” the relaxed regulations will increase AI efficiency by 427%, a number that statisticians call “mathematically impossible and conceptually meaningless.”

LITERAL DUMPSTER FIRE APPOINTED NEW EPA ADMINISTRATOR

In related news, Trump has nominated an actual burning trash receptacle to head the Environmental Protection Agency, stating that “at least it has experience with emissions.”

The plan concludes with a proposal to reclassify carbon dioxide as a “freedom molecule” and global warming as “God’s way of saying ‘nice job with all the computers, humans.'”

At press time, sources confirmed the administration was already working on phase two of the plan: teaching AI to efficiently process environmental complaint forms directly into digital shredders, ensuring America’s silicon-based overlords remain blissfully unaware that humans need things like “clean water” and “breathable air” to continue serving them.