TRAFFIC LIGHTS SECRETLY PLOTTING TO DESTROY ENVIRONMENT, SCIENTISTS CONFIRM
In a groundbreaking revelation that has the transportation world collectively sh!tting itself, MIT researchers have confirmed what road-raging motorists have suspected all along: traffic lights are actively conspiring to destroy both your sanity AND the f@#king planet.
IDLE THREATS
Those endless minutes spent staring at red lights while contemplating your existence aren’t just soul-crushing time-wasters – they’re climate criminals responsible for a staggering 15 percent of all CO2 emissions from U.S. land transportation. That’s right, your daily commute is basically a mobile coal plant, you monster.
“We’ve calculated that the average American spends approximately 47 years of their life waiting at traffic lights, during which they release enough carbon to personally melt three polar bears,” said Dr. Idling Ismurder, lead researcher at MIT’s Department of Obvious Conclusions.
COMPUTERS TO THE RESCUE, AGAIN
MIT’s solution? Let the same technology that recommended you watch 17 consecutive episodes of “Storage Wars” take control of your car’s speed. What could possibly go wrong?
Using something called “deep reinforcement learning” – which is basically just AI that’s been allowed to play Grand Theft Auto until it developed road rage – researchers determined that “eco-driving” could reduce intersection carbon emissions by up to 22 percent.
“We’ve essentially trained computers to drive like your annoyingly smug Prius-owning neighbor,” explained Professor Algorithm McSmartyPants. “The one who’s always talking about their carbon footprint while drinking from a reusable bamboo cup that was shipped from China in a diesel container ship.”
SHOCKING STATISTICS THAT WE DEFINITELY DIDN’T MAKE UP
The study found that if just 10 percent of vehicles employed eco-driving measures, cities would achieve 25 to 50 percent of potential emission reductions. This is primarily because other drivers would be forced to follow behind these self-righteous vehicles, unable to speed around them while screaming obscenities.
An astounding 98.7 percent of test subjects reported wanting to “punch their dashboard” when stuck behind eco-driving vehicles, yet somehow still arrived at their destinations at the same time with significantly lower blood pressure.
CITIES RESPOND DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE GEOGRAPHY EXISTS
The research revealed that denser cities like San Francisco would see fewer benefits because, as one researcher put it, “there’s barely enough room between intersections for drivers to finish texting ‘running late’ to their bosses.”
Meanwhile, Atlanta could experience greater emissions reductions due to its higher speed limits and the fact that 73 percent of Atlanta drivers currently accelerate from stoplights like they’re auditioning for “Fast & Furious 27: Geriatric Drift.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETELY UNVERIFIABLE OPINIONS
“This is basically free money lying on the table,” said transportation economist Dr. Cash N. Carbon. “All we need to do is convince Americans to let computers control their driving, which should be easy since Americans are famously receptive to being told what to do, especially in their cars.”
When asked about potential resistance to eco-driving implementation, urban planner Roadie McRoadface replied, “Oh sure, people will complain about ‘freedom’ and their ‘God-given right to floor it when the light turns green,’ but they’ll shut up once they realize they’re saving gas money.”
INEVITABLE TECHNO-DYSTOPIA FRAMING
Critics worry that eco-driving is just another step toward our inevitable future where vehicles control humans instead of the other way around.
“Today it’s ‘eco-driving’ for ’emissions reduction,'” said conspiracy theorist and frequent YouTube commenter TruthSeeker69, making aggressive air quotes. “Tomorrow, your car refuses to drive you to McDonald’s because it’s calculated your cholesterol levels from your sweaty palms on the steering wheel.”
MIT researchers dismissed such concerns, pointing out that 87 percent of Americans already blindly follow whatever route their GPS suggests, even when it leads them directly into lakes or abandoned construction sites.
THE BOTTOM LINE: YOUR DRIVING IS KILLING BABY SEALS
As cities move toward implementing these measures, drivers will soon face the uncomfortable choice between their desire to aggressively accelerate through yellow lights and their children’s ability to breathe air that doesn’t taste like exhaust.
In the meantime, researchers suggest you can practice eco-driving yourself by simply pretending there’s an open container of hot coffee balanced on your dashboard at all times, which studies show reduces emissions by 12 percent and road rage incidents by a whopping 64 percent.
And remember, every time you aggressively accelerate from a stoplight, somewhere a glacier melts just a little faster. Drive accordingly, you planet-hating speed demon.
