DESPERATE BRITS FORCED TO SH!T IN BUSHES AS GENDER DEBATE RAGES ON ABOUT TOILETS THAT DON’T EVEN F@#KING EXIST
RURAL RESIDENTS REDUCED TO ANIMAL STATUS
While lawmakers and activists ferociously debate who can use which bathroom, residents of rural Devon have resorted to defecating behind shrubs after discovering the revolutionary concept that you can’t use toilets that aren’t there.
“The Supreme Court spent 47 million pounds and 14 months determining who can enter which door marked with which stick figure,” said local resident Janet Piddlesworth, 63, “meanwhile I’m squatting behind a rhododendron with my knickers around my ankles like it’s the bloody Stone Age.”
COUNCIL CUTS: WHERE “CUTTING COSTS” MEANS “CUTTING OFF YOUR ABILITY TO PERFORM BASIC BODILY FUNCTIONS”
Devon County Council has locked approximately 94% of public toilets, leaving signs reading “Apologies for any inconvenience,” which locals describe as “the understatement of the f@#king millennium.”
“They’re sorry for the ‘inconvenience’ of me having to sh!t outdoors like a golden retriever?” questioned retired plumber Thomas Holloway. “I’ve paid taxes for 48 years so I wouldn’t have to live like I’m on an episode of Naked and Afraid.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THE “PUBLIC DEFECATION CRISIS”
Dr. Hugh Miliation, head of the completely real Institute for Public Sanitation Policy, explained: “We’ve spent billions debating whether trans people can use bathrooms that align with their gender identity, while simultaneously ensuring NOBODY can use ANY bathrooms at all. It’s a strategy we call ‘equality through universal suffering.'”
Statistics show that Devon residents now spend an average of 17 minutes per day scanning for adequate foliage to conceal their emergency evacuations, with elderly citizens particularly impacted.
“I take a garden trowel with me everywhere now,” admitted Gladys Weatherby, 82. “Is this what I fought the Germans for? To bury my own waste like a cat?”
POPE SELECTION PROCESS REVEALS GOD’S PREFERENCE FOR THE ELDERLY AND MALE
In related news that absolutely confirms British people are wondering if they’ve retired too early, the next Pope will likely be selected from a group of men closer to meeting Jesus personally than starting their careers.
“The Catholic Church believes leadership positions should only go to those who remember when Jesus was actually alive,” explained religious commentator Father Olden McAncient. “The ideal candidate should be approximately 3-7 years from death.”
Recent studies show that 97.3% of papal candidates suffer from at least two medical conditions that would disqualify them from operating heavy machinery or remembering what they had for breakfast.
CONCLUSION: DIVINE WISDOM OR JUST REALLY OLD TESTICLES?
As Devon residents continue fertilizing hedgerows with human waste while arguing about gender-appropriate bladder relief, the Vatican prepares to select another elderly man to lead 1.3 billion Catholics into a future he statistically won’t live to see.
“Maybe we should just connect the two problems,” suggested local vicar Simon Potsworth. “The Pope gets a golden toilet while I’m pissing behind an oak tree in the rain. Something’s not quite right with that, is it?”
