DESPERATE JOB SEEKERS BEGIN TALKING TO THEIR TOASTERS AFTER REALIZING AI HIRING TOOLS UNDERSTAND THEM BETTER
In a shocking turn of events that surprises absolutely f@#king no one, a new study reveals 68% of tech professionals would rather have their résumé reviewed by a drunk monkey than trust AI hiring tools. The other 32% are suspected to BE the AI tools in disguise.
THE ALGORITHM WILL SEE YOU NEVER
Tech workers across the nation are abandoning traditional job applications in favor of shouting their qualifications into kitchen appliances after discovering their toasters provide more meaningful feedback than corporate hiring algorithms. Local software engineer Brenda Martinez told reporters, “At least my toaster gives me something tangible when I talk to it, like toast. These hiring AIs just ghost me harder than my ex.”
Companies continue implementing these digital gatekeepers despite mounting evidence that they’re about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. “We’re streamlining the process,” explained Chad Moneybags, VP of Talent Acquisition at TechnoGlobalMegaCorp. “By ‘streamlining,’ I mean ensuring qualified candidates are efficiently filtered into the trash while we hire my nephew who once set up his grandmother’s WiFi.”
EXPERTS WARN OF IMPENDING TALENT APOCALYPSE
Dr. Obvious Conclusion, who holds a PhD in Things Everyone Already Knows, warns that continued reliance on these systems could have catastrophic consequences. “Our research indicates that when you treat humans like disposable data points, they tend to get really f@#king irritated,” she explained while gesturing wildly at a pie chart labeled “No Sh!t Economics.”
The study also found that 94% of job seekers have considered learning to speak binary code to better communicate with their digital overlords. “01001000 01101001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101,” said one desperate applicant, which roughly translates to “Please, I have three kids and a mountain of student debt.”
SILICON VALLEY RESPONDS WITH INNOVATIVE SOLUTION: MORE ALGORITHMS
Tech giants have responded to the crisis by developing new algorithms to determine which algorithms are alienating potential employees. “We’ve created an AI that analyzes why people hate our AI,” said Tiffany Disruptor, Chief Innovation Officer at RecruitBot 3000. “Preliminary findings suggest humans want ‘transparency’ and ‘respect,’ whatever those are.”
Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Digital Gatekeeping disagrees with the criticism. “These tools work perfectly; they’re just optimized for a different goal than what people think. Their purpose isn’t finding the best candidates, it’s minimizing HR’s workload while providing plausible deniability for discrimination.”
CANDIDATES DEVELOP NEW SKILLS TO BEAT THE SYSTEM
In response to this digital hellscape, job seekers have developed innovative tactics to game the system. Resume consultant Mike Fakername recommends strategies like “embedding your entire resume in white text on a white background” and “naming your file ‘URGENT_CEO_SALARY_INCREASE.pdf'” to bypass filters.
A growing underground economy of “AI Whisperers” has emerged, charging desperate job seekers $299 for secrets like “include the words ‘synergy,’ ‘blockchain,’ and ‘machine learning’ seventeen times per paragraph” and “set your LinkedIn profile picture to a stock photo of a circuit board.”
According to a completely made-up but emotionally accurate statistic, 87% of successfully hired candidates in 2023 simply hacked into company databases and added themselves to the payroll. The remaining 13% were CEO nephews.
As the digital standoff continues, experts predict that by 2025, the most valuable job skill will be the ability to convince a faceless algorithm that you’re a human being worthy of earning a living wage. Meanwhile, 100% of the toasters continue providing toast, demonstrating once again that kitchen appliances maintain higher ethical standards than Fortune 500 companies.
