TINY SCIENCE GOBLINS BREAK INTO YOUR DNA, PROMISE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS THIS TIME

In what researchers are calling a “revolutionary breakthrough” but what normal people call “f#@king terrifying,” MIT scientists have discovered microscopic biological home invaders that can be programmed to break into your DNA whenever they want.

SCIENCE JUST CAN’T KEEP ITS GRUBBY HANDS OUT OF YOUR GENETIC BUSINESS

Researchers at MIT’s McGovern Institute for Brain Research announced the discovery of what they’ve dubbed “TIGR systems,” which stands for “Tandem Interspaced Guide RNA” but might as well stand for “Tiny Invaders Going Rogue.” These molecular trespassers can apparently be directed to any DNA sequence of interest, where they can cut, modify, or just hang out like unwelcome houseguests.

“This is a very versatile RNA-guided system with a lot of diverse functionalities,” said some scientist with a straight face, apparently unaware he was describing the plot of every sci-fi horror movie ever made.

SMALLER THAN CRISPR, EQUALLY LIKELY TO ACCIDENTALLY CREATE SUPERVILLAINS

The big selling point of these TIGR systems is that they’re “compact,” which is scientist-speak for “we can jam this sh!t into your cells way easier than before.” While current CRISPR technology is like trying to parallel park a school bus in a compact space, TIGR is like a motorcycle that can squeeze right into your genetic material.

Dr. Hugh Gonna-Payforit, a completely imaginary bioethicist we interviewed for this article, expressed concerns: “Sure, they’re smaller, but have we considered that maybe NOT everything in our genetic code needs to be ‘edited’? Next they’ll be giving our DNA grammar suggestions and telling it to use fewer commas.”

NATURE’S DIVERSITY DELIVERS YET ANOTHER WAY TO MESS WITH THE NATURAL ORDER

“Nature is pretty incredible,” said lead researcher Feng Zhang, who spent years searching through “hundreds of millions of biological proteins” instead of going outside or developing normal hobbies. His team has apparently been “exploring natural diversity” to find new ways to “manipulate biological processes,” which doesn’t sound ominous AT ALL.

When traditional methods failed to identify all these DNA-hacking proteins, researchers turned to artificial intelligence for help. That’s right folks, they’re using the digital overlords to help find biological overlords. It’s a goddamn coup is what it is.

EXPERTS CONFIRM: NO RULES, JUST VIBES

Unlike CRISPR, which can only edit specific DNA segments flanked by what scientists call “PAMs” (Protospacer Adjacent Motifs), TIGR systems can theoretically target ANY site in the genome.

“This means theoretically, any site in the genome should be targetable,” said one researcher, apparently reading directly from the villain monologue handbook.

Professor Iam Skeptical of the Institute for People Who Don’t Want Their DNA Randomly Edited told us: “Great, they’ve created a genetic editing system with literally no restrictions. What could possibly go wrong? It’s like giving toddlers access to a universal remote control for your body.”

DELIVERY CONCERNS SOLVED: PREPARE FOR GENETIC SPAM

The researchers seem particularly excited that Tas proteins are a “quarter of the size of Cas9,” making them easier to deliver. Scientists have apparently solved the “major obstacle” of getting gene editing tools into your cells without solving the “major obstacle” of whether we should be doing any of this in the first place.

According to our analysis, approximately 87.3% of scientific breakthroughs are just solving delivery problems for things nobody asked for. It’s like inventing a more efficient way to have glitter bombs delivered to your house.

WHAT’S NEXT? PROBABLY NOTHING GOOD

The team is now investigating the “natural role” of these systems in viruses, which is definitely what you want to hear about a technology that can edit your genetic code. They’re also examining connections between TIGR-Tas systems and “certain RNA-processing proteins in human cells,” because apparently they won’t rest until they’ve connected EVERY dot in ways nature never intended.

In related news, stocks in companies manufacturing bunkers and survival gear rose 42% following publication of this article, while therapists nationwide report a surge in patients experiencing what they’re calling “impending genetic doom anxiety.”

Remember folks, just because we CAN reprogram the fundamental building blocks of life doesn’t mean we SHOULD. But who are we kidding? They’re absolutely going to do it anyway. Prepare your DNA accordingly.