APPLE CEO TIM COOK CAUGHT HIDING iPHONES IN PANTS TO AVOID TRUMP’S TARIFFS
CUPERTINO, CA – In a stunning development that has shocked the tech world, Apple CEO Tim Cook was reportedly spotted stuffing over 400 iPhones down his pants in a desperate attempt to smuggle them into the US before Donald Trump’s threatened tariffs take effect.
THE PANTS PLAN
According to sources close to the situation, Cook’s relationship with former President Trump deteriorated rapidly after Cook refused to respond to 3 AM texts asking “how to make Siri say nice things about me.”
“Tim Apple, as I call him because I’m a f@#king genius with nicknames, is a total loser,” Trump allegedly screamed at a Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet. “He promised me beautiful, tremendous iPhone factories in Wisconsin that would be so big, so powerful, China would cry. CRY!”
Cook, reached for comment while awkwardly waddling through customs with suspicious bulges in his khakis, denied any wrongdoing. “These are just my regular pants,” he whispered unconvincingly. “I’ve always had geometrically perfect rectangular thighs.”
EXPERT OPINIONS
Technology analyst Dr. Penny Pincher explained the situation: “Apple makes approximately 112% of its money by assembling products where labor is cheaper than bottled water. Asking them to manufacture in America is like asking a fish to ride a bicycle while filing its taxes.”
Professor Hugh Janus of the Institute for Obvious Economic Conclusions added, “Cook spent years carefully cultivating Trump’s ego like a delicate bonsai tree of narcissism. Now he’s paying the price for not naming a phone model ‘The iPhone Trump Magnificent.'”
DESPERATE MEASURES
Sources within Apple report that Cook has implemented several backup plans, including:
– Rebranding iPhones as “Freedom Rectangles” to appeal to Trump’s base
– Developing an iPhone feature that automatically “likes” all Truth Social posts
– Hiring Sean Hannity as Apple’s new Chief Patriotism Officer
– Creating a gold-plated “MAGA Edition” iPhone that only connects to Fox News and plays the national anthem when unlocked
MANUFACTURING REALITIES
A recent study found that assembling iPhones in America would raise prices by approximately $4,000 per device, forcing consumers to choose between buying a new iPhone or putting a down payment on a modest home in the Midwest.
“We looked into American manufacturing,” admitted Apple VP of Supply Chain Logistics, Sally Sourcesez. “But it turns out Americans expect things like ‘bathroom breaks’ and ‘not working 23-hour shifts.’ Total dealbreakers.”
Apple has reportedly begun researching alternative manufacturing sites including the Moon, Atlantis, and Florida, which Cook described as “technically still America but with that special ‘anything goes’ quality we’re looking for.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering dropping the tariff threats after Cook promised to add a “Trump was right about everything” notification to every iPhone Weather app alert. Unfortunately, Cook was last seen being detained at customs after security scanners revealed what appeared to be 16 MacBook Pros outlined against his shockingly distended buttocks.
