TESLA SIGNS $16.5B DEAL WITH SAMSUNG, MUSK’S POCKET CALCULATOR TO FINALLY GET AN UPGRADE

In what industry insiders are calling “just another Tuesday for a billionaire with impulse control issues,” Elon Musk has signed a staggering $16.5 billion deal with Samsung to produce AI6 semiconductors for Tesla’s self-driving mode and other half-baked ideas that will definitely be delivered on schedule this time, pinky promise.

MUSK DECLARES DEAL “TREMENDOUSLY HUGE AND DEFINITELY NOT COMPENSATING FOR ANYTHING”

The Tesla CEO, who apparently communicates exclusively through hyperbole and Twitter shitposts, stated that it was “hard to overstate” the importance of this deal, immediately before attempting to overstate its importance.

“This is literally the most significant semiconductor deal in human history,” declared Musk while standing atop a pile of unsold Cybertrucks. “Future historians will divide time into pre-Samsung-Tesla deal and post-Samsung-Tesla deal eras.”

EXPERTS QUESTION IF CARS REALLY NEED MORE COMPUTING POWER THAN NASA

Dr. Chips Ahoy, Head of Unnecessary Technology at the Institute for Things Nobody Asked For, expressed skepticism about the necessity of such powerful processing capability in vehicles.

“The average Tesla now has more computing power than the entire f@#king Apollo space program, yet still can’t figure out that a cardboard cutout of a child isn’t an actual child,” noted Dr. Ahoy. “It’s like giving a calculator to a goldfish.”

SAMSUNG EXECUTIVES THRILLED TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY RETURNS ELON’S CALLS

Samsung representatives appeared visibly relieved during the press conference, with several executives caught on hot mics whispering “Thank God someone still takes his calls” and “Just smile and nod until the money clears.”

“We are absolutely delighted to partner with the visionary genius behind such groundbreaking innovations as tunnels, which have only existed for thousands of years,” said Samsung CEO Han Jong-hee, whose eye twitched exactly 16 times during the statement.

SELF-DRIVING CAPABILITIES TO FINALLY INCLUDE “DON’T HIT THE DAMN AMBULANCE” FEATURE

The new AI6 chips will supposedly enhance Tesla’s self-driving capabilities, which according to completely legitimate statistics made up for this article, currently have a 68% success rate at identifying whether that shape in the road is a paper bag or a family of four.

Professor Siri Ously of the Department of Automotive Fantasies explained, “These new chips will finally give Teslas the processing power to distinguish between a highway lane and the side of a cliff, a feature customers have been requesting since approximately forever.”

INSIDER SOURCES REVEAL CHIPS WILL ALSO POWER MUSK’S SECRET “PROJECT DEFINITELY NOT SKYNET”

An anonymous Tesla engineer, who requested to remain nameless but whose email signature read “Help Me I Haven’t Seen My Family In Three Years,” revealed that a significant portion of the semiconductors will be allocated to a mysterious project codenamed “Definitely Not Skynet.”

“All I know is that Elon keeps muttering ‘they’ll all see… they’ll ALL see’ during our 4 AM mandatory inspiration meetings,” the source disclosed. “Also, we’ve been instructed to program the AI to recognize and prioritize the safety of tall South African men with receding hairlines.”

FINANCIAL ANALYSTS PREDICT TESLA STOCK WILL EITHER SKYROCKET OR PLUMMET, DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE

Wall Street responded to the announcement with its characteristic nuanced analysis, with 52% of analysts predicting Tesla stock will “go to the moon” while 48% forecast “total f@#king disaster.” The remaining 16% were too busy trying to make the math work to provide a comment.

In related news, 94% of Tesla shareholders reported not understanding what semiconductors actually do but being “pretty sure they’re important” and “trust Elon’s vision, or whatever.”

At press time, Musk was reportedly already planning to announce an even bigger deal next week with a Taiwanese napkin manufacturer that will revolutionize the way we think about face wiping, which he claims is “literally impossible to overstate its importance” before inevitably trying to do exactly that.