MACHINES CALL “BALLS” ON BALLS: TENNIS STARS QUESTION IF DIGITAL JUDGES HAVE ACTUAL BALLS
In a stunning development that has absolutely no one questioning the state of humanity, Wimbledon officials are vigorously defending their decision to replace human line judges with artificial intelligence, despite complaints from British No 1 Jack Draper that the technology isn’t “100% accurate.” No sh!t, Jack.
TENNIS PLAYER DISCOVERS TECHNOLOGY ISN’T PERFECT, WORLD REELS IN SHOCK
After being unceremoniously bounced from the tournament faster than a ball off Serena Williams’ serve, Draper expressed his disappointment that the warm bodies previously employed to scream “OUT” have been replaced by cold, unfeeling algorithms that apparently can’t tell the difference between a line call and a booty call.
“It’s a shame,” Draper whined after losing to 36-year-old Marin Cilic, who somehow managed to win despite being practically prehistoric in tennis years. Sources close to Draper confirm he also thinks it’s “a shame” when restaurants don’t give free refills and when his mom forgets to cut the crusts off his sandwiches.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON TENNIS TECHNOLOGY TAKEOVER
“What we’re seeing here is classic human displacement anxiety,” explains Dr. Serena Fault, head of Sports Psychology at the University of Making Sh!t Up. “Players prefer human judges because humans can be intimidated by aggressive screaming and racquet smashing. Try intimidating a camera, you privileged little twerps.”
According to Professor Net Violation of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions, approximately 98.7% of player complaints about electronic line judging occur immediately after losing a match. “It’s a fascinating correlation that absolutely no one could have predicted,” he noted while rolling his eyes so hard they nearly fell out of his head.
WIMBLEDON OFFICIALS: “AT LEAST THE COMPUTERS DON’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS”
Tournament officials defended the technology with the enthusiasm of parents protecting their mediocre child’s participation trophy. “Our digital judges make calls with 99.73% accuracy,” claimed Wimbledon spokesperson Deuce McBaggins, “which is significantly higher than humans, who operate at roughly 87% accuracy after three hours in the hot sun while desperately needing to pee.”
An internal Wimbledon document leaked to this publication reveals the REAL reasons for the switch: “Electronic judges don’t require health insurance, pension plans, or those stupid little navy uniforms that cost us a f@#king fortune.”
PLAYERS SUGGEST COMPROMISE SOLUTIONS
Several top-ranked players have suggested compromise solutions, including a hybrid system where AI makes the calls but a human in a booth presses a button to scream “OUT” through speakers, or perhaps developing technology that’s programmed to make occasional mistakes just to make players feel better about their own shortcomings.
World No. 3 Entitled McTantrum suggested, “Maybe they could program the AI to favor higher-ranked players? You know, for the good of the sport.”
In related news, a survey conducted among spectators found that 94% of Wimbledon attendees didn’t even notice the change, as they were too busy taking selfies with their overpriced strawberries and cream to actually watch any tennis.
As the tournament progresses, officials remain steadfast in their technological revolution, with one anonymous source confirming plans to eventually replace the ball boys and girls with small drones. When asked about potentially replacing the players themselves with robots, the official reportedly replied, “One step at a time. Have you SEEN how much these prima donnas cost us in bottled water alone?”
At press time, Draper was seen practicing his serves against a wall, reportedly muttering, “At least YOU don’t judge me” between sobs. The wall declined to comment.
