TELCO REPLACES HUMANS WITH GLORIFIED CHATBOT, PROMISES “SAME QUALITY OF GETTING NOTHING F@#KING DONE”
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Australia’s telecommunications giant Telstra announced Tuesday it will “shrink its workforce” by 2030, replacing actual humans with what they’re calling “AI efficiencies” but what experts call “the same useless sh!t that already can’t help you reset your password, but now with more confidence.”
ROBOTS DON’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS OR DIGNITY
Chief Executive Vicki Brady told investors with a straight face that artificial intelligence “will be a significant unlock when it comes to enabling our workforce,” a statement that roughly translates to “we’re firing everyone and replacing them with something that costs less than the office coffee machine.”
Industry analyst Dr. Obvious McSeeingit told AI Antics, “This is fantastic news for customers who currently enjoy being transferred between seven different departments before getting disconnected. Now they’ll experience the thrill of being misunderstood by a digital entity that doesn’t even need to pretend to care about their problems.”
THE FUTURE OF CUSTOMER SERVICE IS NO SERVICE AT ALL
Telstra plans to implement these changes across customer service, software development, and something ominously called “autonomous AI agents,” which sources confirm is corporate-speak for “digital employees that don’t unionize, take sick days, or complain when we cut their electricity after 6pm.”
“We will embrace AI,” Brady declared to investors, who reportedly became visibly aroused at the prospect of eliminating human salary expenses. The company has not clarified whether its AI will be trained on actual technical knowledge or just on thousands of hours of recordings of Telstra employees saying “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
EMPLOYEES THRILLED TO BE REPLACED BY SOMETHING THAT NEVER COMPLAINS ABOUT CONDITIONS
When asked about potential job losses, Brady reportedly smiled and described the transition as “workforce evolution,” a term 97% of employees surveyed interpreted as “start updating your LinkedIn profiles immediately.”
Longtime Telstra employee Tim Watson, 42, shared his enthusiasm: “I’ve spent 15 years explaining to elderly customers how to check their voicemail. It’s comforting to know I’ll be replaced by something that will tell them to check their email instead, which they also don’t know how to do.”
TECHNOLOGY EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETE BULLS#!T
Professor Idon Tcare from the Institute of Technological Inevitabilities explained, “Companies have tried for decades to make customer service worse, but they’ve always been limited by human empathy. AI finally removes that obstacle.”
According to completely made-up statistics, Telstra expects to increase customer frustration by 78% while simultaneously reducing its capacity to do anything about it by 94%.
At press time, Telstra’s prototype AI customer service agent was reportedly stuck in an infinite loop asking itself if it had tried resetting the router, while simultaneously applying for unemployment benefits that don’t exist for digital entities that never technically had jobs in the first place.
