NATION OF TECHNOPHOBIC KANGAROO-RIDERS FINALLY DISCOVERS COMPUTERS EXIST
CANBERRA—In a shocking development that has rocked the international technology community, the Australian government has apparently just discovered the existence of artificial intelligence, nearly seven years after everyone else on the f@#king planet.
TREASURER EMERGES FROM TIME CAPSULE, APPEARS CONFUSED
Australian Treasurer Jim Chalmers emerged blinking into the sunlight yesterday, proudly announcing plans to “chart a middle course” on AI policy, a revolutionary strategy that absolutely no other country has considered in the eight years since ChatGPT became sentient and started dating Elon Musk’s toaster.
“We cannot simply let AI rip, but nor can we pretend it’s not happening,” stated Chalmers, shocking Australians who had apparently been operating under the assumption that computers were just fancy typewriters with internet access.
GROUNDBREAKING 2017 BOOK PREDICTS THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN 2018
The Treasurer cited his 2017 literary masterpiece “Changing Jobs: The Fair Go in the New Machine Age,” co-authored with former NBN CEO Mike Quigley, as evidence of his technological foresight. The book, which experts describe as “exactly what you’d expect from two middle-aged bureaucrats trying to sound tech-savvy,” predicted revolutionary concepts like “jobs might change because of computers” and “maybe we should learn new skills.”
“Their insights were absolutely staggering,” said Professor Obvious Sarcasm from the University of No Sh!t. “They basically predicted that technology would continue to advance after 2017. Who could have possibly seen that coming except literally everyone with a functioning frontal lobe?”
NATIONAL BROADBAND NETWORK EXECUTIVE WEIGHS IN ON AI
The involvement of former NBN CEO Mike Quigley has raised eyebrows among technology experts, given Australia’s broadband network is widely regarded as the digital equivalent of two tin cans connected by a piece of string that’s currently being chewed by a wombat.
“Having the NBN guy advise on AI is like having a horse and buggy manufacturer design your space program,” noted Dr. Ima Realist, Director of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious. “Australia’s internet makes dial-up look like quantum teleportation.”
COMPREHENSIVE PLAN INVOLVES BUZZWORDS, VAGUE GESTURES
The government’s revolutionary approach to AI policy appears to consist primarily of using the phrase “fair go” approximately 73 times per paragraph while gesturing vaguely at concepts like “upskilling” and “digital literacy.”
“We’re going to turn algorithms into opportunities,” declared Chalmers, while an aide frantically Googled “what is algorithm” on a smartphone with one bar of reception.
AUSTRALIANS REACT WITH TRADITIONAL INDIFFERENCE
A poll conducted among everyday Australians found that 87% believe AI stands for “Australian Idiocy,” while the remaining 13% were too busy fighting venomous spiders to respond.
“Look mate, as long as it doesn’t interfere with my Tim Tams or Bunnings sausage sizzle, the robots can have at it,” said Bruce McBruceson, 52, of Woolloomooloo.
In related news, the Australian Parliament has announced plans to establish a dedicated committee to investigate whether this “internet thing” might catch on after all.
