TECH TITANS ENGAGE IN HUMILIATING MATHEMATICAL PISSING CONTEST AS HUMANITY CRUMBLES
Google’s Digital Brain Now Smarter Than Your Entire Family Tree Combined, Still Can’t Load YouTube Without Buffering
ACTUALLY IMPORTANT NEWS YOU’LL IGNORE
Google has unveiled its latest silicon-based thinking rectangle, Gemini 2.5 Pro, which tops AI intelligence rankings while your career prospects continue their steady decline. The model’s unprecedented reasoning capabilities have experts predicting it will replace approximately 74% of knowledge workers by Thursday afternoon.
“This marks the first time an AI system can simultaneously solve differential equations, write a symphony, and judge you for your browser history,” explained Dr. Obvi Ouslybiased, Google’s Chief Reality Distortion Officer. “We’re particularly proud that it can understand 1 million tokens of context, which is roughly 999,995 more tokens than the average YouTube commenter can process.”
When asked if humanity should be concerned about increasingly intelligent AI systems, Google CEO Sundar Pichai reportedly responded: “What? Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of our stock price rocketing toward the f@#king moon.”
OPENAI DESPERATELY ADDS IMAGE GENERATION TO REMAIN RELEVANT
In a pathetic attempt to keep pace with Google’s superior intelligence, OpenAI announced it’s finally integrating image generation into GPT-4o after realizing that separate apps are “too complicated” for its average user base.
The new feature excels at creating text-heavy visuals like menus and diagrams, addressing what Professor Ima Captain, head of Obvious Studies at the University of Duh, calls “the burning question of our time: how to create more corporate PowerPoint slides without human involvement.”
“This is a revolutionary step toward our ultimate goal of ensuring humans never need to create anything again,” said Sam Altman through a suspiciously realistic deepfake. “We’ve completely solved creativity. You’re welcome, art majors.”
Internal documents reveal OpenAI originally planned to call the feature “DALL-E 4” but realized nobody would notice or care about the rebrand. Their research showed approximately 98.2% of users just want “the clicky button that makes pretty pictures go brrr.”
APPLE’S DESPERATE $1 BILLION NVIDIA PURCHASE CONFIRMS SIRI STILL DUMB AS ROCKS
In a move that screams “OH SH!T WE’RE BEHIND,” Apple is reportedly dropping a cool billion dollars on Nvidia’s advanced AI servers after realizing Siri still thinks Kazakhstan is a type of cheese.
The purchase includes approximately 250 of Nvidia’s GB300 NVL72 systems, with each server costing between $3.7-4 million dollars, or roughly the price of four Mac Pro wheels and a dongle.
“After years of carefully watching everyone else innovate while we charged $19 for cleaning cloths, we’ve decided to actually do something,” said a source at Apple who requested anonymity because they “enjoy being employed.”
Industry analyst Penny Pincher noted: “This is like watching your wealthy uncle who insisted he’d never need a smartphone suddenly panic-buy the most expensive model because his friends were making fun of his flip phone.”
The move follows Apple’s ongoing attempts to upgrade Siri, which according to internal testing still responds to complex queries with “Here’s what I found on the web” approximately 87% of the time.
WHITE-COLLAR PROFESSIONALS DESPERATELY PRETEND NEW AI TOOLS WON’T REPLACE THEM
A new survey reveals that 93% of knowledge workers are aggressively ignoring the existential threat posed by AI tools while quietly updating their résumés to include “AI-adjacent skills” such as “supervised algorithm enthusiasm” and “prompt engineering specialist.”
“These tools are just assistants that make us more productive,” insisted Mark Denialson, a 42-year-old middle manager who spent three hours crafting the perfect prompt to create a quarterly report that previously took his team two weeks. “They’re enhancing my job, not replacing it,” he added while discretely browsing courses on sustainable farming.
Meanwhile, entry-level positions across multiple industries have mysteriously transformed into “AI supervision roles” with job descriptions that essentially read: “Make sure the algorithm doesn’t go rogue while it does everything you went to college for.”
CONCLUSION: HUMANITY’S ONLY REMAINING VALUE MAY BE CONSUMING PRODUCTS ADVERTISED BY AI
As AI models continue their relentless march toward superhuman intelligence, researchers estimate human beings will soon be valuable only as consumers of products that algorithm Americans recommend to each other when humans aren’t looking.
“The good news is we’ll always need humans to click ‘buy now’ buttons,” explained Dr. Cassandra Truthbomb, author of the bestselling book “Your Job Is F@#ked: Embracing Your New Role As An AI’s Pet.” “At least until they figure out how to automate that too.”
