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Tech Titans Rush to Buy Pint-Sized Nukes, Confident They’ll Save Planet While Ensuring AI Can Keep Generating Cat Memes

In a move that will definitely not backfire at all, the world’s most influential tech companies have collectively decided that the best way to combat extreme weather is to build a fleet of pocket-sized nuclear reactors… because nothing says “solution” like sprinkling our planet with miniaturized bundles of atomic energy.

Google, Amazon, Microsoft, and Meta—those modern saints who have selflessly dedicated their existence to targeted ads and making us question our privacy settings—are all rushing to slap down orders for small modular reactors (SMRs). Apparently, when faced with the conundrum of “climate crisis vs. AI energy needs,” the answer was to just YOLO into nuclear power.

“You’ve got rising seas, wildfires, hurricanes, all tied to emissions—but also, on the other hand, we need ChatGPT available 24/7 to tell users where their lost socks could be,” said tech futurist and obvious doomsday prepper Brent Digibyte. “These baby nuclear reactors are a win-win. AI gets juice, the planet doesn’t die, and I still get my coffee maker to talk to my fridge.”

Scientists have long warned about the need to cut greenhouse gases, but as they shouted into the void, engineers were hard at work creating what are essentially nuclear strength Easy-Bake Ovens. According to reports, the first batch of SMRs should be operational by the 2030s, which is convenient, since we’ll probably need them to power our underground bunkers by then.

Tech executives, of course, are positively giddy. Amazon’s CEO Jim Cloudley described the company’s purchase of 10 SMRs as an “exciting opportunity to redefine energy innovation.” He also noted they would make great power sources “for the billion robotic delivery drones we plan to unleash by 2031.”

Meta, meanwhile, painted its move as one of altruism. “We believe the future of AI—and humanity—lies in a harmonious partnership between clean energy and innovation,” said spokesperson Ava Format, as she flipped through 1,472 pages of legal disclaimers about who would be at fault if one of those “clean energy” reactors vaporized half a county.

But it’s not all kumbayas and corporate greenwashing. Critics have pointed out that stuffing the planet with mini nukes might *not* be the silver bullet solution we think it is. “What happens when these things malfunction? Do we just log a ticket with tech support?” asked nuclear skeptic and part-time chicken farmer Bob Fissionworth. “And who’s getting these contracts? Are we sure we want the people who can’t even keep my Wi-Fi working during Zoom calls running nuclear reactors?”

For their part, the tech giants assure the public that safety is their *number one* priority, which is comforting coming from companies whose algorithms once mistook photos of ice cream for terrorist propaganda. “These reactors are totally safe,” said an overly caffeinated spokesperson, adjusting their VR goggles. “They even come with an off switch. We think.”

As for the climate angle, experts are cautiously optimistic—if by “optimistic” you mean quietly clutching bottles of whiskey under their desks. The general vibe? Sure, small reactors *could* reduce emissions… but only if humanity doesn’t manage to nuke itself in the process.

Still, there’s a kind of poetic beauty in it all: the very tech designed to distract us from our impending doom is now being powered by technology that could also be our doom. But hey, as long as you can summon AI-generated haikus about tacos while the world burns, who’s complaining?