TECH OVERLORDS DEMAND RIGHT TO STEAL YOUR SH!T, CALL IT “INNOVATION”
In a move that has shocked absolutely no one with more than three functioning brain cells, tech companies are lobbying for the legal right to pilfer copyrighted material without asking, because apparently saying “please” is just too f@#king difficult for Silicon Valley billionaires.
THEFT, BUT MAKE IT FANCY
The UK government, clearly suffering from a terminal case of Tech Worship Syndrome, proposed legislation allowing AI companies to use copyright-protected work without permission unless creators specifically opt out, which is kind of like saying it’s fine to take your car unless you’ve written “PLEASE DON’T STEAL MY CAR” on the windshield.
“This is revolutionary,” explained Dr. Totally Notevil, Chief Ethics Officer at DataSucker Inc. “We’re not stealing content, we’re ‘non-consensually borrowing’ it for the greater good of our shareholder profits.”
CREATIVE TYPES SELFISHLY WANT TO BE PAID FOR THEIR WORK
The BBC director general and Sky’s CEO have rudely suggested that perhaps, just maybe, the £125bn creative sector shouldn’t be treated like an all-you-can-eat buffet for digital thinking boxes.
“Call me old-fashioned,” said one anonymous writer, “but I kind of enjoyed eating food and paying rent, which traditionally requires money, which traditionally comes from being paid for my work.”
STATISTICS NOBODY ASKED FOR
According to our completely made-up research department, approximately 98.7% of tech bros believe copyright is “like, totally yesterday’s news,” while 100% of content creators believe tech bros can go f@#k themselves.
Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Duh explains: “What we’re seeing is a classic case of ‘I want your stuff without paying for it’ syndrome, historically known as ‘theft’ before we rebranded it as ‘content acquisition optimization.'”
WHY ASK PERMISSION WHEN FORGIVENESS IS CHEAPER?
The tech industry has proposed a revolutionary new business model: take whatever the hell they want and deal with the consequences later, if ever.
“Our opt-out system is perfectly reasonable,” insisted Chip Silicone, VP of Creative Pillaging at AlgorithmCorp. “It’s like if I walked into your house and took your TV, but left a tiny note saying you had 48 hours to file the proper paperwork if you didn’t want me to take it. See? Fair!”
GOVERNMENT PROMISES TO PROTECT CREATIVE SECTOR, FINGERS VISIBLY CROSSED BEHIND BACK
The government has solemnly sworn that AI legislation will not destroy the creative sector, using the same trustworthy tone as your ex promising they’ll “definitely return your favorite hoodie.”
“We value our creative industries enormously,” said one government spokesperson while simultaneously sending heart emojis to tech lobbyists. “That’s why we’re carefully considering how to let tech companies completely f@#k them over in the most politically palatable way possible.”
At press time, tech companies were reportedly developing new AI to automatically generate opt-out notices and immediately delete them, because innovation never sleeps and apparently neither does audacity.
