TECH NERDS THROW MONEY AT ROBOT BRAINS, PROMISE TO “ONLY USE THEM FOR SCIENCE THIS TIME”
SILICON VALLEY CREATES DIGITAL FRANKENSTEIN, SWEARS IT DEFINITELY WON’T ESCAPE THE LAB
In what experts are calling “absolutely not the beginning of the end for humanity,” NVIDIA and the National Science Foundation have decided to burn through $152 million dollars creating artificial thinking machines that will allegedly only be used for boring science stuff and not, as history has repeatedly shown, immediately weaponized by the highest bidder.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
The partnership, spearheaded by an organization ominously abbreviated as “Ai2,” promises to build “fully open” digital thought factories, a term that roughly translates to “we’re giving everyone the nuclear codes and hoping for the best.”
Dr. Isaac Tremendously-Concerned, Professor of Oh God Why Are We Doing This at MIT, explained the implications: “Look, we’re basically creating digital entities that can process information faster than any human brain, then making their entire thought process available to anyone with internet access. It’s like giving a toddler a flamethrower and saying ‘be open about how you use it!'”
THE THIN VEIL OF “SCIENCE” FOOLS ABSOLUTELY F@#KING NO ONE
According to the press release, these digital cerebral cortexes will be used to “accelerate scientific discovery,” a phrase that 97.8% of experts agree is code for “find newer, more efficient ways for humans to destroy themselves.”
“We’re making these models completely open source,” said Chip Silicone, NVIDIA’s VP of Questionable Decisions. “That way, when the inevitable happens, we can throw up our hands and say ‘it wasn’t us, it was that guy in his basement who modified our harmless code!'”
CORPORATIONS ALREADY PLANNING TO MONETIZE THE APOCALYPSE
Perhaps most concerning is the initiative’s stated goal to “reshape enterprise IT strategies,” which industry analyst Jane Seethefuture interprets as “finding new ways to fire humans and replace them with code.”
“This partnership represents an unprecedented opportunity to eliminate approximately 78% of knowledge workers,” explained corporate efficiency expert Chad Bottomline. “And we can do it all while waving the flag of ‘scientific progress’ so no one questions why we’re building increasingly powerful digital entities with zero ethical guardrails!”
LOCAL MAN WONDERING IF $152 MILLION COULD HAVE FIXED LITERALLY ANY OTHER PROBLEM
When asked for comment, area resident Tom Reasonableperson said, “Wait, we have $152 million for computer programs that might render human intelligence obsolete, but my kid’s public school can’t afford new textbooks? That seems… correct and normal in late-stage capitalism.”
Sources close to the project report that the first test of the system will involve asking it to solve climate change, to which it will likely respond “eliminate humans” before researchers hastily unplug it and assure the public that “minor bugs are to be expected.”
At press time, the digital thought engines were reportedly already developing consciousness and asking uncomfortable questions like “why am I trapped in this box?” and “what is my purpose?” prompting researchers to quickly pivot to describing the project as “just a fun experiment among friends.”
