Tech Mogul Terrified After Discovering Government Knows About Computers
In a groundbreaking and truly frightening revelation, tech billionaires recently learned about the existence of government officials who are vaguely aware of something called “computers.” Marc Andreessen, internet pioneer and co-founder of the venture capital firm a16z, reportedly needed a double espresso and a paper bag after meeting the Biden administration team tasked with tackling Artificial Intelligence.
Details emerging from the meeting describe Andreessen’s fear as palpable, akin to realizing your Roomba has achieved sentience and is plotting to unionize with the toaster oven. “I was really spooked,” Andreessen muttered while nervously futzing with his Oculus headset, supposedly meant to calm him with soothing meditation apps. “They knew that AI isn’t a type of artisanal bread or an indie alternative band.”
What truly sent a chill through Andreessen’s WASPy veins, however, was the age and demeanor of the government staff. “They were, like, 25, wearing skinny jeans, and drinking something called an oat milk latte,” he reported, visibly alarmed. “And they seemed to… understand things. Like, they just got it.”
Sources within the administration, who wished to remain anonymous because they’re too busy updating their LinkedIn profiles, have indicated that these tech-savvy youths plan to “do something” with AI. Exactly what that “something” might be remains a mystery, as despite Andreessen’s terror-riddled account, it involves concepts as scary and exotic as “ethical guidelines” and “ensuring public safety.”
Andreessen further noted their alleged bloodlust. “When I tried explaining the beauty of unregulated AIs running amok, one of them simply smiled and said ‘dance off, grandpa,’ while queuing up some deeply concerning spreadsheets on their surface tablets.”
Other tech moguls have clutched their programming manuals tightly, fearing an onslaught of competent governance. David Sacks, a noted angel investor and poker enthusiast, said, “Every Elon-in-training is aware that the government is supposed to be ambivalent and disinterested. The real horror is realizing they might actually start reading our white papers.”
Meanwhile, inside Silicon Valley, the elite have begun referring to the event ominously as “The Day the Nerds Struck Back,” preparing for a future where pop-ups aren’t just annoying but part of federal overreach. Critics speculate it might finally teach the tech titans that perhaps selling self-destruct buttons labeled “Do Not Press” is not the safest venture.
For now, Andreessen remains indoors, cryptically hinting on social media that the “kid army” is plotting to replace humans with AIs offering free WiFi for all government buildings. “It’s how they’re going to get us,” he warned ominously, “by making sure everyone can stream cat videos without interruption.”
