TECH INTERNS NOW EARNING MORE THAN YOUR PATHETIC CAREER WHILE STEALING YOUR LUNCH FROM COMMUNAL FRIDGE
In a stunning revelation that’s sure to make your expensive college degree feel like toilet paper, Glassdoor has released its 2025 list of top tech internships where post-pubescent coding prodigies earn more for fetching coffee than you do managing entire departments.
WELCOME TO THE APOCALYPSE, YOUR BARISTA HAS A HIGHER NET WORTH THAN YOU
According to Glassdoor’s latest report, tech interns at 13 leading companies are now raking in approximately $8,000 monthly, which, for those keeping score at home, is roughly what your sad little bi-weekly paycheck amounts to after 15 years of “climbing the corporate ladder.”
“These compensation packages are completely reasonable and not at all a sign of society’s imminent collapse,” explains Dr. Income Disparity, leading economist and author of “Why Your Children Will Never Move Out: A Financial Horror Story.”
The average 19-year-old intern at these companies now earns more in a summer than 87.4% of Americans make in a year, according to statistics we definitely didn’t just make up on the spot.
PARENTS EVERYWHERE WONDERING WHY THEY BOTHERED HAVING ACTUAL CAREERS
Local father of three and senior marketing director Ron Jeffries expressed his delight at discovering his daughter’s tech internship pays nearly double his salary. “This is fine! Everything is fine!” said Jeffries, while rhythmically banging his head against his 2009 Honda Civic. “Twenty-five years of experience means nothing compared to knowing which TikTok filters are trending!”
Industry analyst Penny Worthless notes that these internships typically involve “critical business functions” such as reorganizing the office snack wall, attending meetings they don’t understand, and creating PowerPoint presentations that will never be viewed by human eyes.
YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS NOW OFFICIALLY “DEATH”
Sources confirm that these tech interns receive additional perks including unlimited kombucha on tap, nap pods that cost more than your house, and the right to look down on anyone over 30 with undisguised contempt.
“We believe in investing in young talent,” said Silicon Valley executive Chad Moneybags. “Also, we’ve discovered it’s cheaper to pay interns $8,000 a month than hire full-time employees who expect benefits like ‘healthcare’ and ‘dignity.'”
ACTUAL F@#KING SKILLS OFFICIALLY DECLARED OBSOLETE
Professor Unemployable of the Institute for Crushing Student Debt suggests that traditional career paths are now as relevant as a fax machine at a cryptocurrency convention. “The most valuable skill in today’s job market is being born after 2005,” she explained while updating her resume to remove all mention of her decades of experience.
At press time, a 20-year-old intern who learned to code six months ago was seen explaining blockchain technology to the company’s CTO, who nodded politely while secretly updating his LinkedIn profile to include “#OpenToWork.”
