SILICON VALLEY MESSIAH DECLARES “TECH HAPPENS” WHILE ACTIVELY MAKING TECH HAPPEN
In a jaw-dropping display of philosophical gymnastics that would make Nietzsche vomit, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman declared “Technology happens because it is possible,” apparently forgetting that HE’S THE F@#KING GUY MAKING IT HAPPEN.
AREA MAN SHOCKED TO DISCOVER HE HAS AGENCY
Altman, who leads a company literally creating what might become humanity’s final invention, somehow believes technology manifests through immaculate conception rather than through billions in funding and armies of engineers that he personally directs.
“I just show up at the office and whoopsie daisy, another potentially civilization-altering algorithm appears,” said Altman according to sources that definitely aren’t made up. “It’s like technology has its own consciousness and I’m just a humble vessel watching it all unfold while cashing enormous checks.”
SILICON VALLEY DETERMINISM: THE CONVENIENT PHILOSOPHY
Experts suggest Altman’s position represents a convenient abdication of responsibility that coincidentally aligns with his financial interests.
“It’s brilliant when you think about it,” explained Dr. Obvious Bullsh!t, Professor of Technological Inevitabilism at the University of Passing the Buck. “By framing technological development as inevitable, tech CEOs position themselves as merely surfing the wave of progress rather than actively creating potentially existential risks while becoming absurdly wealthy.”
Studies show that 87% of tech billionaires believe their products are “inevitable” while simultaneously spending millions lobbying against regulations that might prevent those same products.
THE OPPENHEIMER COMPLEX
By paraphrasing Oppenheimer, Altman joins the elite club of tech bros who compare themselves to figures of historical significance while conveniently ignoring that Oppenheimer later expressed profound regret, saying “I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”
“The difference is Oppenheimer felt genuine remorse,” noted historical analyst Professor Hindsight Always2020. “Today’s tech leaders quote him while building doomsday machines with one hand and planning their Mars escape pods with the other.”
HUMANITY SHOCKED TO LEARN IT HAS OPTIONS
In a stunning revelation that has experts reeling, evidence suggests humans actually make conscious choices about which technologies to develop, fund, and regulate.
“Wait, you’re telling me we don’t HAVE to create technologies that could potentially undermine democracy, eliminate jobs, and concentrate power in the hands of a few unaccountable corporations?” gasped everyday citizen Jane Normalson. “That’s crazy talk!”
Meanwhile, 97% of Silicon Valley executives maintain that questioning the development of any technology makes you “basically Amish” and “afraid of the future.”
At press time, Altman was seen working on his next philosophical breakthrough: “Money accumulates in my bank account because it is possible,” while actively directing his accountant to maximize his capital gains.
