TECH GIANTS ENGAGE IN DESPERATE SILICON SPOUSE-SWAPPING AS INDUSTRY HITS ROCK BOTTOM
Intel and TSMC Announce “Friends With Manufacturing Benefits” Arrangement That Has Everyone Asking: Is This a Partnership or a Mercy Killing?
CORPORATE BEDROOMS HEAT UP AS FORMER RIVALS DECIDE TO “JUST TRY IT ONCE”
In what industry analysts are calling “the semiconductor equivalent of calling your ex at 2 AM after seven tequila shots,” Intel has reportedly agreed to form a strategic manufacturing partnership with longtime rival TSMC. The arrangement, which sources describe as “about as dignified as pawning your wedding ring,” will allow the struggling American chip giant to potentially avoid complete collapse by letting someone else do all the actual work.
“This is absolutely not a cry for help,” insisted newly appointed Intel CEO Lip-Bu Tan, while visibly sweating through his $5,000 suit. “We’re simply recognizing that after losing a mere $16 billion dollars in 2024, perhaps we should consider the revolutionary strategy of competence.”
Under the proposed arrangement, TSMC will acquire a 20% stake in the joint venture, contributing not actual money but rather “know-how” and “expertise” – corporate euphemisms for “we’ll show you how to do the job you’ve been f@cking up for the past decade.”
Dr. Obvious Financial Implications, a leading industry expert and professor at the University of No Sh!t Sherlock, explained: “What we’re witnessing is essentially the corporate equivalent of your friend letting you crash on their couch after your spouse kicks you out. Except in this case, the couch is worth billions and your friend is also sleeping with your customers.”
DESPERATION INNOVATION INDEX REACHES ALL-TIME HIGH
The White House reportedly brokered the discussions, implementing what insiders call the “please for the love of God don’t let American semiconductor manufacturing completely collapse” strategy. Administration officials were said to be “moderately concerned” that the nation’s technological infrastructure might soon depend entirely on countries that don’t particularly like us.
“Approximately 94.7% of Intel executives are currently updating their LinkedIn profiles,” claims industry analyst Penny Silicone. “Nothing says ‘business as usual’ like frantically searching for ‘how to transfer 401k’ on company time.”
TSMC executives, meanwhile, were seen high-fiving each other while browsing luxury real estate listings in Arizona, having successfully executed what game theorists call “the waiting until your competition is bleeding out before offering a tourniquet with unfavorable terms” maneuver.
Internal resistance at Intel has been fierce, with many executives expressing concerns about potential layoffs, though anonymous sources report the main objection is “having to admit we’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.”
Intel’s stock jumped 3% on the news, which market analysts describe as “the financial equivalent of being happy you only failed the test by 20 points instead of 30.”
Industry experts predict the partnership will result in a 78% increase in awkward water cooler conversations and a 92% surge in employees pretending they’ve always respected TSMC’s manufacturing processes.
When asked for comment, an Intel spokesperson simply sighed deeply and whispered, “At least we’re not IBM.”
