Tech Giants Shocked to Learn That Electricity Isn’t Free
In a development that has absolutely flabbergasted Silicon Valley, experts are now suggesting that tech companies should be required to disclose how much energy and water their massive data centers guzzle to keep up with the hysteria over artificial intelligence.
“You mean to tell me that our endless AI hunger isn’t powered by magic?” gasped one unnamed executive while sipping a $17 eco-friendly oat milk matcha. “Next, you’ll tell me my Teslas don’t levitate.”
The National Engineering Policy Centre (NEPC) dropped the bombshell: AI consumes energy like a teenager who just discovered espresso, and the environmental impact is, in their words, “probably bad, yeah.” They’re recommending that tech firms provide transparency about these impacts—because, apparently, asking billion-dollar corporations to self-report potential wrongdoing has always worked out well.
Among the proposed measures: expanding environmental reporting, setting sustainability requirements, and reconsidering whether data should be stored forever just in case someone wants to revisit a blurry photo of their dinner from 2012.
Tech companies, however, remain skeptical. “If we start reporting how much we consume, then people will expect us to, what—consume less?” said one nervous CEO, clutching his quarterly bonus statement as though it contained his mortal soul.
Meanwhile, everyday citizens were reportedly stunned to learn that artificial intelligence is not, in fact, powered by goodwill and positive vibes. “I thought my chatbot just ran on the collective will of the internet,” said one confused user while sharing a climate change meme from their energy-inefficient phone.
As AI booms, environmentalists warn that unchecked energy consumption could cause irreversible damage. But Silicon Valley remains optimistic: “We’re committed to sustainability,” said one tech spokesperson, “which is why all our servers run *exclusively* on 100% organic, local, farm-raised electricity.”
When asked what that meant, they simply vanished into a cloud of corporate jargon.
