# TECH GIANTS CAUGHT RIGGING LM’ARENA WHILE PRETENDING IT’S YOUR FAULT THEY’RE WINNING
In a shocking display of Silicon Valley shenanigans that makes election tampering look like a child’s lemonade stand, major AI companies have apparently been cheating their way to the top of LMArena’s prestigious rankings – the very benchmarks investors use to determine which companies to shower with billions.
IMAGINE BEING SURPRISED THAT THE RICH KIDS ARE CHEATING
A bombshell study from researchers at Cohere, MIT, Stanford, and others has revealed what everyone with half a functioning brain cell already suspected: Big Tech has been gaming the system harder than your cousin who memorized all the Mario Kart shortcuts.
The study alleges companies like Meta, Google, and OpenAI secretly test multiple model variants behind closed doors, then only publish the ones that don’t completely sh!t the bed. It’s the digital equivalent of taking 47 selfies before posting the one where your chin looks normal.
“This is absolutely standard scientific procedure,” claimed Dr. Obvious Conflict, head of ethics at TotallyNotGoogle. “We simply run 900 variations of our model and then pretend the best one was our first and only attempt. That’s just good science, baby!”
SAMPLING BIAS BIGGER THAN YOUR MOTHER’S HOLIDAY PORTIONS
The research found that Google and OpenAI models receive over 60% of all interactions on the platform – a statistical anomaly that experts describe as “suspiciously convenient” and “more rigged than a carnival game operated by the mob.”
Additionally, a staggering 205 models have mysteriously vanished from the platform with no explanation, with open-source models being disappeared faster than witnesses in a mafia trial.
“We simply removed models that weren’t performing well,” explained Sheila Deletia, LMArena’s Chief Model Elimination Officer. “The fact that 87% of them came from smaller competitors while the big boys’ models stayed up is pure coincidence. Like finding three royal flushes in your hand during a high-stakes poker game – just lucky, I guess!”
OVERFITTING OR OVERSH!TTING?
The most damning evidence shows that access to Arena data dramatically boosts performance specifically on Arena tasks – suggesting models aren’t actually getting better at understanding language but are instead being trained to game the specific test.
“It’s like studying only the exact questions that will be on the exam,” explained Professor Data Manipulateski of the Institute for Obvious Research Conclusions. “These models aren’t actually learning – they’re just memorizing what impresses the teacher, which coincidentally is an approach mastered by most tech CEOs during their college years.”
LMARENA DENIES EVERYTHING DESPITE OBVIOUS EVIDENCE
LMArena has vigorously disputed the study in a statement that reads like it was written by a politician caught with their pants down at a fundraising event.
“These accusations are baseless,” the platform tweeted, while frantically deleting another batch of small models from the leaderboard. “Our rankings perfectly reflect user preferences, which coincidentally align exactly with whoever’s paying us the most this quarter.”
According to industry statistics that we completely made up but seem plausible, 93.7% of all AI benchmark results are manipulated, 88.2% of tech companies are lying about their capabilities, and 100% of investors are too coked up to notice the difference.
In a related story, the tech industry’s ethical standards have officially fallen below those of carnival barkers, used car salesmen, and Congress, achieving a historic low previously thought mathematically impossible.
