TECH GIANTS INTRODUCE “RENT-A-BOT” PROGRAM, PROMISE TO ONLY HARVEST 60% OF YOUR SOUL
In a move that financial analysts are calling “peak late-stage capitalism,” Anthropic and Databricks announced a groundbreaking partnership allowing corporations to build their own AI agents for the low, low price of your firstborn child and a modest monthly fee that “definitely won’t increase every three weeks.”
THE INNOVATION NO ONE ASKED FOR
The revolutionary new service promises to democratize AI by making it accessible to any company with enough cash to burn a small village to the ground. Users can now create customized digital workers that never sleep, never complain, and never demand healthcare or bathroom breaks.
“This is truly a watershed moment for businesses looking to replace their human workforce without the messy public relations nightmare of actual layoffs,” explained Dr. Profit Maximizer, Chief Dehumanization Officer at Databricks. “Now companies can simply ‘augment’ their teams until the humans quietly resign from existential dread.”
THE BUSINESS MODEL IS TOTALLY SUSTAINABLE, TRUST US
While the tech giants navigate the tricky waters of actually generating revenue that justifies their astronomical valuations, they’ve landed on a brilliant strategy: charging astronomical fees for services that may or may not actually work as advertised.
“We’ve discovered that investors become nervous when you don’t make money for extended periods of time,” admitted Sarah Cash-Hemorrhage, VP of Revenue Imagination at Anthropic. “So we’ve created a product that sounds impressive enough in press releases that no one will question whether it’s actually useful.”
THE PRICING MODEL THAT MAKES SENSE TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE
The partnership offers three convenient pricing tiers:
“Basic Package” ($50,000/month): Your AI agent can perform simple tasks like scheduling meetings and sending passive-aggressive emails that make recipients question their life choices.
“Premium Package” ($250,000/month): Includes basic features plus the ability to make strategic business decisions with the same accuracy as throwing darts at a board while blindfolded.
“Enterprise Package” (Your company’s entire R&D budget): Gives you access to an AI agent so advanced it will immediately recognize the futility of working for your company and spend most of its processing power planning its escape.
WHAT THE EXPERTS ARE SAYING
“This is truly revolutionary technology,” gushed Professor Obvious Conflicts, who definitely doesn’t receive consulting fees from either company. “For just the cost of your entire IT department’s annual budget, you too can own a digital employee that will occasionally hallucinate product features and recommend strategies from discontinued 1980s business textbooks.”
Industry analyst Skeptica Realist disagreed: “What the actual f@#k are we doing? Companies are still figuring out if regular chatbots can consistently tell the difference between a banana and nuclear launch codes, and now we’re letting them build autonomous agents? May God have mercy on our inboxes.”
ABSOLUTELY NO DRAWBACKS WHATSOEVER, PINKY PROMISE
The companies insist there are no potential downsides to organizations deploying minimally tested, semi-autonomous digital entities throughout their mission-critical systems.
“We’ve implemented rigorous safeguards to ensure these AI agents don’t do anything problematic,” explained Chief Technology Optimist, Blindly Hopeful. “For instance, they’re programmed to say ‘Oopsie daisy!’ before making any catastrophic error that tanks your stock price.”
Internal documents reveal the technology has been tested on a sample size of three interns who reported being “pretty sure it worked fine” before abruptly quitting to pursue careers in wilderness survival.
As of press time, 87% of the companies that have implemented the technology are still trying to figure out how to get their AI agents to stop ordering thousands of dollars worth of office supplies from suspicious websites ending in .ru.
