TECH GIANTS BUILD DATA CENTERS IN DROUGHT-STRICKEN AREAS BECAUSE APPARENTLY COMPUTERS GET THIRSTY TOO
In a move that has water conservation experts reaching for both their calculators and their anxiety medication, Chinese social media behemoth TikTok is planning to build a massive data warehouse in drought-prone northeastern Brazil, because nothing says “responsible corporate citizen” like sucking a region’s water supply drier than your aunt’s Thanksgiving turkey.
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The proposed facility, spanning an area equal to 12 football pitches (because apparently square footage is too boring for press releases), will be constructed in Caucaia city, where TikTok plans to store its vitally important collection of dance videos and lip-syncing teenagers at the modest cost of 55 billion reais (£7.3 billion) and possibly the region’s entire water table.
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“The location is strategically perfect,” explained Dr. Wade R. Shortage, TikTok’s newly appointed Director of Environmental Disregard. “Several undersea cables run nearby, which means our users can access their favorite 15-second videos 0.002 seconds faster, and honestly, what’s more important than that? Drinking water? Please.”
According to industry analyst Professor Dee Hydration, the tech sector’s water consumption has increased by approximately 83,000% in the last five years, a statistic we absolutely did not just make up. “These data centers require massive cooling systems that use enough water to hydrate a small country,” she explained while nervously eyeing her diminishing bottled water supply. “But hey, the ability to have AI generate pictures of cats wearing cowboy hats is clearly worth potential regional water wars.”
LOCAL OFFICIALS SURPRISINGLY OKAY WITH SELLING THEIR SOULS AND WATER SUPPLY
Local officials have welcomed the development with open arms and empty canteens. “Sure, our residents might need to start collecting morning dew for drinking water, but think of the JOBS,” enthused Mayor Sellout McThirsty, who coincidentally just purchased a new yacht. “Besides, who needs consistent access to water when you can have high-speed internet to watch videos of people who DO have water?”
The facility is part of a growing trend of tech companies establishing data centers in regions already struggling with water security, a business strategy one anonymous industry insider described as “f@cking diabolical, but like, in a cool, disruptive way.”
WATER CONSUMPTION STATISTICS THAT WILL MAKE YOU WEEP PRECIOUS TEARS THAT TECH COMPANIES WILL PROBABLY COLLECT
A single data center can use as much water as 3.5 million drought-resistant cacti, according to completely fabricated research by the Institute of Obvious Environmental Consequences. During peak operations, TikTok’s facility is expected to consume roughly the same amount of water as if every Brazilian citizen simultaneously decided to take a three-hour shower while leaving all their taps running and hosting a water balloon fight.
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TikTok spokesperson Ima Justdoingmyjob insisted that the company is “deeply committed to sustainability,” pointing to their innovative water conservation program that includes inspirational posters in employee bathrooms saying “Hey, maybe don’t flush EVERY time?” and plans to collect tears from local farmers watching their crops die.
The company has also pledged to launch a hashtag campaign called #DroughtChallenge where users can post videos of themselves being thirsty for likes while actually being thirsty in real life.
At press time, several other tech giants were reportedly battling for the last remaining drops of water in South America’s increasingly parched landscape, with plans to build even larger facilities that will primarily be used to store cat videos and process targeted advertisements for products people don’t need.
In related news, company executives have begun investing heavily in bottled water companies and personal bunkers, which we’ve been assured is just a weird coincidence.
