TECH BILLIONAIRES THREATEN TO REPLACE CONGRESS WITH CHATBOTS IF REGULATIONS AREN’T LOOSENED
Silicon Valley CEOs held Congress hostage in broad daylight yesterday, demanding the government stop “getting in the way” of their urgent mission to build algorithms capable of destroying mankind before China can.
ALTMAN’S ULTIMATUM: “REGULATE ME HARDER DADDY” SAYS NO TECH CEO EVER
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman led the charge at the Senate Commerce Committee, warning that AI might be “bigger than the internet” and lawmakers should focus on infrastructure investments instead of pesky “safety” regulations.
“Look, we’re trying to build superintelligent systems that could theoretically manipulate the entire population, control critical infrastructure, or manufacture bioweapons,” Altman didn’t technically say but heavily implied. “But China might do it first, so… checkmate?”
Microsoft’s Brad Smith echoed the sentiment, explaining that if America restricts chip exports to potential adversaries, customers might buy Chinese alternatives instead, in what experts call the “If you won’t sell me this gun, I’ll buy one from that sketchy guy down the street” strategy.
TECH GIANTS DISCOVER PATRIOTISM WHEN CONVENIENT
In a stunning display of newfound nationalism, the tech executives—who typically avoid paying U.S. taxes like they’re radioactive—wrapped themselves in American flags while begging for reduced oversight.
“Regulations are for communists,” explained Dr. Myron Profit, professor of Convenient Economics at the University of Corporate Interest. “Every restriction on what private companies can do with dangerous technology is basically handing Beijing the keys to the future.”
A stunning 97% of tech executives agreed that national security concerns are “extremely important” when arguing against government oversight, but “completely irrelevant” when discussing data privacy or consumer protections.
INSTACART CEO JUMPS SHIP AS GROCERY DELIVERY DEEMED “NOT WORLD-CHANGING ENOUGH”
In related news, OpenAI announced the hiring of Instacart CEO Fidji Simo as its new “CEO of Applications,” a made-up title created to make Sam Altman’s job easier while maintaining the illusion that he’s still doing something.
“I’m thrilled to join OpenAI after realizing people will always need groceries, but the real money is in building systems that might render human consciousness obsolete,” Simo didn’t say in a press release.
The move follows OpenAI’s recent decision to stop its for-profit shift and expand globally, in what industry analysts call the “let’s do whatever the f@#k we want and figure out the business model later” approach that has worked so well for tech companies in the past.
ALIBABA TEACHES AI TO SEARCH FOR INFORMATION WITHOUT ACTUALLY SEARCHING FOR INFORMATION
Meanwhile, Alibaba researchers developed ZeroSearch, a technique that teaches AI to find information without using actual search engines, cutting training costs by 88% while still being just as likely to confidently hallucinate complete bullsh!t.
“We’ve essentially taught our AI to guess what information might exist without bothering to check if it’s real,” explained Dr. Ima Genius, lead researcher. “It’s like training a detective by having them watch crime shows instead of investigating actual crimes.”
The technology works by using one large language model to generate fake search results for another model, which experts call “the blind leading the blind” approach to information retrieval.
IN CONCLUSION: CONGRESS CONSIDERS OUTSOURCING LEGISLATION TO CLAUDE
Following yesterday’s testimony, several senators were spotted playing with ChatGPT on their phones, asking it to “write a bill that makes tech companies happy while making it sound like we’re protecting the public.”
When asked if surrendering regulatory authority to the same corporations being regulated represented a conflict of interest, Senator John Moneybags (R-Silicon Valley) responded: “Look, these people are really smart and really rich. If they say jumping off this bridge is good for America, I’m not asking questions on the way down.”
