SILICON VALLEY MEGACORPS DECLARE “YOUR WORDS ARE OUR WORDS” IN SHOCK COPYRIGHT BATTLE
In a move surprising absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem, tech giants OpenAI and Google have told the UK government to kindly go f@#k itself after officials suggested they might possibly consider not stealing everyone’s creative work without permission.
SHOCKING REVELATION: TECH COMPANIES DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR STUFF
The revolutionary UK proposal suggested the absolutely bonkers idea that maybe, just maybe, AI companies should allow creators to opt out before their life’s work is gobbled up by data-hungry algorithms and regurgitated as soulless content slurry. Tech executives reportedly needed smelling salts and fainting couches upon hearing this preposterous notion.
“What they’re suggesting is fundamentally anti-innovation,” explained Dr. Thievery Isfinebecausewerich, Chief Ethics Officer at CreatorsBeDamned Consulting. “If we actually had to ASK before taking things, our profit margins might decrease by 0.00003%, causing catastrophic ripple effects across the global economy, including but not limited to slightly smaller yachts for our executives.”
Sources close to the negotiations report that when UK officials mentioned the concept of “fair compensation,” three Google representatives spontaneously combusted and an OpenAI executive began speaking in tongues while levitating three feet above his chair.
THE OPT-OUT SOLUTION: BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS RESPECT LIKE “STOP ME IF YOU CAN”
The UK’s groundbreaking proposal suggests an innovative system where creators must actively hunt down and opt out of having their work stolen, rather than companies seeking permission first. Industry experts call this the “NYAH NYAH CAN’T CATCH ME” approach to intellectual property rights.
“It’s like if I walked into your house, took all your furniture, and then explained that you should have put up a specific type of ‘No Furniture Stealing’ sign that I just invented yesterday,” explained Professor Claire Itsnottheft, author of “Moving Fast and Breaking Other People’s Sh!t: A Silicon Valley Love Story.”
Studies show that 97.8% of creators wouldn’t know how to opt out if the instructions were tattooed on their foreheads, a statistic we completely made up but feels emotionally accurate.
TECH COMPANIES CITE “TRAINING NEEDS” AS REASON TO CONSUME ALL HUMAN EXPRESSION
When pressed about why they need unfettered access to the entirety of human creative output, both companies pointed to their desperate need to “train” their AI systems, a process that apparently requires ingesting every book, article, photograph, and crayon drawing ever created.
“Our poor helpless algorithms are STARVING for content,” sobbed Madison Datahoover, OpenAI’s Vice President of Creative Appropriation. “Have you no heart? Without unrestricted access to everyone’s intellectual property, our chatbots might start giving MEDIOCRE poetry instead of SLIGHTLY ABOVE AVERAGE poetry. Is that the dystopian future you want?”
A leaked internal memo from Google simply read: “LOL who’s going to stop us? The government? With what army? Our revenue exceeds the GDP of 157 countries.”
CREATORS RESPOND WITH TRADITIONAL PITCHFORKS, TORCHES
Meanwhile, writers, artists, and other content creators have responded with widespread panic, organizing into what analysts are calling “increasingly pissed-off mobs.”
“They took my novel that took 7 years to write, fed it into their system, and now it can generate a crappier version in 3 seconds,” lamented author James Stillneeds2eat. “But sure, I should be grateful for the ‘exposure’ or whatever.”
As of press time, both companies have proposed a compromise where they’ll continue doing exactly what they want while occasionally tweeting about how much they respect creators. Industry analysts predict this strategy has a 100% chance of succeeding because that’s just the hellscape we live in now.
