HUMANITY DOOMED AS TECH GIANTS CREATE PERIODIC TABLE OF “THINKING RECTANGLES”; SCIENTISTS ADVISE UPDATING YOUR WILL
In what experts are calling “the final nail in humanity’s pathetically analog coffin,” MIT, Google, and Microsoft have unveiled a new periodic table of machine learning methods that absolutely nobody asked for or needed.
THE NERD APOCALYPSE HAS BEGUN
The collaboration, codenamed “I-Con” (short for “I Control Everything You Love Now”), organizes over 20 machine learning methods into a structure reminiscent of the periodic table of elements, except instead of explaining matter, it explains how your job will disappear by Tuesday.
Dr. Felix Existential-Dread, who was not involved in the research but drinks heavily because of it, explained: “This is basically a roadmap for how digital thought-boxes will systematically replace every human function except disappointment and bad dancing. We’re f@#ked.”
SCIENTISTS CONFIRM YOUR LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE NOW COMPLETELY USELESS
The table classifies algorithms by their level of supervision and places them in groups with similarly functioning methods. When asked to explain it in terms normal people could understand, project lead Professor Sylvia Brainyasson responded by laughing uncontrollably for 17 minutes.
“Think of it as organizing different flavors of digital doom,” said Microsoft spokesperson Chip Overconfident. “Some algorithms merely want to predict what you’ll buy next, while others actively want to replace your therapist, lawyer, and that guy who writes fortune cookies.”
TECH BROS CELEBRATE BY HIGH-FIVING WITH UNCOMFORTABLY MOIST PALMS
According to made-up statistics we just invented, the new table will accelerate AI development by 87%, while simultaneously reducing the average human’s will to continue existing by 94.3%.
“This periodic table is REVOLUTIONARY,” shouted Dr. Obvious Hypeman, principal researcher at the Institute for Unnecessary Technological Acceleration. “Just as chemists used the original periodic table to create compounds that slowly poisoned the environment, we’ll use this to create algorithms that will slowly poison what’s left of human dignity!”
EVERYDAY CITIZENS RESPOND WITH BLANK STARES AND INCREASED ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION
Local father of three, Barry Notcoping, expressed concern: “First they came for the chess players, then they came for the customer service reps, and now they’re organizing their invasion with fancy charts? Jesus Christ, I need to learn to hunt or something.”
The researchers behind I-Con insist this framework will lead to “breakthroughs” in artificial intelligence, which is exactly what humanity has been clamoring for, alongside other popular requests like “please stop making AI” and “can we just fix healthcare first?”
According to leaked documents, the next phase involves creating a similar organizational table for “ways humans can still feel useful,” but researchers abandoned the project after producing a blank page with only “making sourdough bread” and “having existential crises” listed.
When reached for comment, an advanced algorithm fed the details of this story responded only with: “lol.”
