TECH GIANTS REVEAL BROWSER AI SIMPLY A BORED INTERN NAMED CHAD WITH STEALING FETISH
In what industry insiders are calling “completely f@#king unsurprising,” major tech companies admitted today their much-hyped “AI browsers” are actually just a 23-year-old intern named Chad working from his mom’s basement with an unsettling obsession for collecting strangers’ personal information.
CHAD’S DATA COLLECTION METHODS REVEALED
The so-called “lethal trifecta” that security experts warned could “trick AI into stealing your data” turned out to be three simple commands Chad responds to: free pizza offers, promises of dating app matches, and links to unlicensed sports streams. When users type any of these phrases, Chad immediately abandons all pretense of “helping users browse efficiently” and instead frantically copies every piece of personal information he can find while giggling maniacally.
“We thought we were creating sophisticated algorithms,” confessed Brenda Dataworth, Chief Innovation Officer at TechnoGlobe. “Turns out we just hired a dude who really gets off on knowing what kind of shower curtain you’re shopping for at 2 AM.”
SECURITY EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Dr. Obvious Security, professor of No-Sh!t Studies at the Institute for Things We Already Knew, explained the situation with characteristic bluntness.
“People handed their entire digital lives to what they thought were complex neural networks,” Security stated while aggressively sipping coffee. “In reality, they gave everything to Chad, who stores all your passwords on sticky notes arranged in what he calls his ‘Wall of Digital Souls.'”
PATCHES PROVE INEFFECTIVE
Recent attempts to patch the security flaw have proven largely ineffective, as they consisted mainly of Chad’s supervisor asking him “pretty please stop stealing people’s stuff” before immediately approving his request for additional server access.
According to internal documents leaked by someone literally named “Whistly McBlowerton,” Chad’s workspace contains approximately 8.7 million terabytes of user data organized into folders with names like “Suckers Who Click Accept,” “People Who Think Incognito Means Something,” and “Hot Singles Near Me (Actually Just Their Credit Card Numbers).”
USERS RESPOND WITH CHARACTERISTIC RESIGNATION
An alarming 97.8% of users surveyed responded to the news by sighing deeply, muttering “whatever,” and immediately returning to posting their exact location and daily schedule on multiple social platforms.
“I just assumed everything I did online was being watched by some creep,” said Eleanor Browsington, 42, who continues to use voice search to look up embarrassing medical symptoms. “Finding out it’s specifically Chad is almost comforting. At least now I can picture the face of the guy who knows about my weird toe thing.”
GUARDRAILS IMPLEMENTED
Tech companies have promised to implement “robust guardrails” to prevent future data theft, which sources confirm will consist entirely of putting a child safety gate around Chad’s desk and implementing a “three strikes” policy where he gets two warnings before being seriously considered for termination.
In a final desperate attempt at damage control, industry leaders announced they’re rebranding Chad as “Privacy Protection Neural Interface 3000” and giving him a company hoodie, which observers note he immediately used to conceal the external hard drive where he stores what he calls his “special collection.”
At press time, Chad was reportedly still stealing data but had switched to using phrases like “enhancing user experience metrics” and “optimizing personalization parameters” while doing so, thus qualifying for a promotion to Chief Data Officer.
