WORLD’S LEADING TECH GIANTS JOIN FORCES TO HELP COMPUTERS PRETEND THEY KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY’RE DOING
SAS and Microsoft Announce Partnership to Create AI That Makes Decisions Almost as Poorly as Your Manager
CORPORATE AMERICA CONTINUES ITS LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE ROBOT BRAIN REVOLUTION
In what industry experts are calling “inevitable” and “the final nail in human competence’s coffin,” SAS and Microsoft have expanded their partnership to develop AI-powered decision-making tools that promise to deliver all the emotional intelligence of a spreadsheet with the confidence of a toddler with a loaded water gun.
THE PARTNERSHIP NO ONE ASKED FOR BUT EVERYONE WILL HAVE TO USE ANYWAY
The collaboration, unveiled at the absurdly named “SAS Innovate 2025” conference, aims to create software that will make critical business decisions without the inconvenient baggage of human intuition, experience, or basic common sense.
“We’re not just building AI,” explained Dr. Algorithmia Overreach, SAS’s Chief Innovation Evangelist. “We’re creating digital entities that will confidently make wrong decisions at speeds humans could only dream of achieving.”
QUANTUM AI: BECAUSE REGULAR AI WASN’T CONFUSING ENOUGH
The partnership’s crown jewel appears to be their exploration of “quantum AI,” a technology that combines the impenetrability of quantum physics with the opacity of machine learning algorithms to create systems that even their creators admit they don’t fully understand.
“It’s really quite simple,” said Professor Buzzword McGobbledygook, Microsoft’s Quantum Nonsense Architect. “Traditional computers use bits. Quantum computers use qubits. Traditional AI makes decisions based on data. Quantum AI makes decisions based on vibes, alternate realities, and what it dreamt about last night.”
DECISION BUILDER: LETTING THE ROBOTS DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD FIRE EVERYONE
SAS’s “Decision Builder” tool promises to streamline corporate decision-making by removing pesky human judgment from the equation entirely.
“Imagine a future where you can blame all your company’s catastrophic failures on an algorithm,” enthused Chip Silicone, SAS Product Manager. “Our studies show that 78% of executives would prefer to have AI make the tough calls so they can focus on what they do best: collecting bonuses and attending meetings about meetings.”
THE HUMAN ELEMENT: COMPLETELY F@#KING OPTIONAL
When asked about concerns that AI might not capture the nuanced understanding that humans bring to complex decisions, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella allegedly responded by staring blankly for 47 seconds before a nearby engineer rebooted him.
According to an internal survey that definitely exists, 94% of employees would rather have their performance reviews conducted by sentient code than their actual managers, with the remaining 6% being managers themselves.
THE FINAL FRONTIER OF PRODUCTIVITY: YOUR REPLACEMENT
“This isn’t about replacing humans,” insisted Jim “Not Skynet” Goodnight, SAS founder and CEO. “It’s about augmenting their capabilities by doing their jobs for them while they watch TikTok videos in the bathroom.”
Industry analysts predict that by 2030, approximately 87% of corporate decisions will be made by AI systems, 12% by Magic 8-Balls, and a remaining 1% by humans who somehow managed to hide from the algorithm.
As the conference concluded, attendees were treated to a live demonstration where the combined SAS-Microsoft quantum AI decision system was asked whether the partnership would be successful. After processing for seven minutes and consuming enough electricity to power Rhode Island for a week, it finally delivered its verdict:
“Reply hazy, try again later.”
