DESPERATE TECH FIRMS BRAINWASH FINALS VIEWERS WITH UNHINGED “AI” COMMERCIALS, EXPERTS WARN YOUR CHILDREN ARE NEXT
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of forcing someone to watch your vacation slideshow while high on bath salts,” prediction market Kalshi unleashed an absolute f@#king fever dream of an “advertisement” during Game 3 of the NBA Finals, confirming our worst fears that no primetime television slot is safe from the silicon apocalypse.
WHAT THE HELL DID WE JUST WATCH?
The 30-second commercial, created using Google’s Veo 3 video model, assaulted viewers’ eyeballs with a chaotic mishmash of AI-generated imagery that can only be described as “what would happen if a marketing department did mushrooms and then immediately got fired.”
PJ Accetturo, the self-proclaimed “AI filmmaker” responsible for this visual crime against humanity, proudly admitted to creating the commercial in just two days using “300-400 Veo 3 generations” – or roughly 299-399 more than anyone actually wanted to see.
“High-dopamine Veo 3 videos will be the ad trend of 2025,” Accetturo declared, apparently unaware that “high-dopamine” is also how doctors describe the experience of sticking your face in a blender.
WALLET-FRIENDLY NIGHTMARE FUEL
Industry analysts note the commercial cost approximately 95% less than traditional production, proving once again that you absolutely get what you pay for.
“This marks a revolution in advertising,” explained Dr. Penny Pincher, professor of Fiscal Hallucinations at the University of Budget Cuts. “Now companies can traumatize millions of viewers for the cost of a nice dinner for two at Applebee’s.”
YOUR CHILDREN’S TOYS ARE NEXT ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK
Not content with just ruining basketball, the algorithm Americans have set their sights on your children’s toys. OpenAI and Mattel announced a partnership to create AI-powered abominations across beloved franchises like Barbie, Hot Wheels, and American Girl.
“Children deserve the same soul-crushing AI experiences adults endure daily,” said fictional Mattel spokesman Dick Tator. “Why should grown-ups have all the existential dread?”
The first AI-powered product is expected later this year, just in time to ruin Christmas and ensure your child develops trust issues before kindergarten.
SAFETY FIRST (JUST KIDDING)
Both companies emphasized “safety and age-appropriate design,” which experts translate as “we’ll tone down the hallucinations just enough to avoid lawsuits.”
A recent survey shows that 87% of parents are “extremely concerned” about AI toys, while the remaining 13% are “too busy screaming at their smart speakers to form an opinion.”
CHINESE TECH GIANT CREATES VIDEO AI SO GOOD YOU’LL FORGET IT’S STEALING YOUR SOUL
Meanwhile, ByteDance, the company behind TikTok, has released Seedance 1.0, a video generation model that supposedly outranks competitors from Google, Kuaishou, and OpenAI.
“We’ve created the most realistic fake videos ever,” boasted Chief Innovation Overlord at ByteDance. “Now you can’t tell what’s real and what’s not! Isn’t that just f@#king delightful?”
The model generates 5-second, 1080p videos in under a minute, perfect for those with attention spans damaged by scrolling TikTok for 18 hours straight.
Dr. Reality Check, professor of Digital Dystopia at MIT, warns: “When a company that already knows what color underwear you prefer starts creating indistinguishable-from-reality videos, it’s probably time to move to a remote cabin in Montana.”
IN CONCLUSION: WE’RE ALL DOOMED
As these digital demons continue their march into every aspect of our lives, experts recommend stocking up on books, board games, and tin foil hats.
“The NBA Finals commercial is just the beginning,” warned former human being and current digital marketing specialist Terry Terrified. “By 2026, you won’t be able to distinguish between your actual grandmother and an AI-generated simulation trying to sell you life insurance.”
When asked for comment, an industry insider simply screamed for eight consecutive minutes before whispering, “Even the screaming will soon be AI-generated,” and disappearing into a cloud of static.
