PANIC BUTTON: TECH EXECS DISCOVER THEY CAN’T EAT STOCK OPTIONS AS TRUMP’S TARIFFS BEND THEM OVER A FISCAL BARREL
Silicon Valley elites frantically searching couch cushions for spare billions as Apple, Meta, and Amazon shares perform synchronized diving routine
BILLIONAIRES SUDDENLY CARE ABOUT INTERNATIONAL TRADE POLICY
In what experts are calling “the most financially devastating event since that time Elon Musk tweeted after taking Ambien,” shares of America’s beloved technology overlords plummeted faster than Mark Zuckerberg’s likability ratings after Trump announced tariffs that actually affect rich people for once.
The proposed 10% baseline tariff, coupled with additional “because-I-f@#king-said-so” levies on China, India, and Taiwan, has caused widespread panic among tech executives who suddenly can’t afford the platinum-plated toilet paper they’ve become accustomed to using.
“This is absolute economic terrorism,” sobbed fictional Apple CEO Tim Cook lookalike, Tim Booked. “How am I supposed to explain to shareholders that their second yachts might be delayed by several fiscal quarters?”
THE HUMAN COST: TECH BROS FORCED TO CONSIDER DOMESTIC BEER OPTIONS
The carnage hasn’t been limited to corner offices. Reports indicate that across San Francisco and Seattle, tech employees are being forced to make impossible choices like switching from $17 avocado toast to the $15.50 option without the imported Japanese seaweed sprinkles.
Dr. Reality Check, Professor of Economic Consequences at the University of Obvious Outcomes, explained: “Turns out when you spend decades building your entire supply chain in countries with questionable labor practices to save a few bucks, and then someone slaps tariffs on those countries, you’re pretty much f@#ked sideways with a rusted iPhone charger.”
DESPERATE MEASURES: ZUCKERBERG CONSIDERS ACTUAL HUMAN EMOTIONS
Perhaps most alarming are reports that Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has begun experimenting with feeling genuine human emotions in response to the crisis.
“We’ve observed him attempting what appears to be ‘concern’ and possibly even ‘worry,'” said Dr. Ima Therapist, Chief Zuckerberg Observer. “It’s like watching a toaster try to understand jazz.”
An anonymous Meta engineer revealed that Zuckerberg spent three hours in front of a mirror practicing facial expressions that didn’t terrify small children, but ultimately gave up after cracking the glass with what he called his “empathy smile.”
AMAZON CONSIDERS RADICAL SOLUTION: PAYING TAXES
In what might be the most shocking development, sources close to Amazon claim the company briefly considered actually paying its fair share of taxes before quickly dismissing the idea as “too innovative even for us.”
Instead, the company has reportedly begun training warehouse workers to function without oxygen for up to 8 minutes to reduce ventilation costs, with mandatory “efficiency lung enhancement surgeries” scheduled for Q3.
WHAT THE NUMBERS DON’T TELL YOU BUT WE’RE MAKING UP ANYWAY
According to completely fabricated statistics from the Institute of Financial Bullsh!ttery, for every 1% drop in tech stocks:
– 17 venture capitalists have to downgrade from private to semi-private jets
– 42 Stanford computer science graduates have to delay purchasing their first home until the ripe old age of 24
– 96% of tech executives suddenly develop strong opinions about international trade policy despite previously not being able to locate China on a map
“This is worse than the time Facebook went down for six hours and people had to actually talk to their families,” said Financial Analyst Dick Moneybags. “At least 87% of tech billionaires might have to sell their backup backup yachts.”
THE SILVER LINING: TECH COMPANIES DISCOVER AMERICA EXISTS
In a stunning turn of events, major tech companies have reportedly discovered that America is a place that exists and contains people who can make things.
“Wait, you’re telling me there are factories IN AMERICA?” gasped fictional Apple supply chain executive Polly Outsourced. “With AMERICANS in them? Who can BUILD THINGS? This changes everything! Though to be fair, we’ll still probably just raise prices and blame it on ‘market conditions’ instead.”
As of press time, tech CEOs were reportedly gathered in an undisclosed location trying to figure out how to explain to the average American why paying $50 more for a phone manufactured for $3.75 is actually good for the economy while simultaneously Googling “how to operate guillotine escape pod.”
