TECH NERDS THROW MODELS AT EACH OTHER IN DESPERATE BID FOR RELEVANCE
In what experts are calling “the nerdiest d!ck-measuring contest since the Space Race,” OpenAI has announced it’s joining the pathetic playground fight with Meta and DeepSeek by releasing its own “open weight” AI models absolutely free of charge.
SILICON VALLEY’S LATEST ATTEMPT TO SEEM GENEROUS WHILE ACTUALLY PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATION
OpenAI, the company that convinced millions of college students they could write essays without reading books, claims these new models are being released “for wide benefit,” which roughly translates to “we’re terrified Mark Zuckerberg might actually win something for once.”
The models, which can be downloaded and customized by anyone with enough processing power and a concerning lack of social life, represent what industry analysts are calling “the tech equivalent of leaving your diary open on the table and saying ‘go ahead, I don’t care who reads it.'”
DESPERATE BILLIONAIRES FRANTICALLY GIVE AWAY INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY
“This is absolutely f@#king hilarious,” said Dr. Freya Giveashit, professor of Competitive Corporate Psychology at Making Stuff Up University. “These companies spent billions developing this technology, and now they’re just tossing it into the wild like it’s last season’s iPhone. It’s like watching billionaires have a charity contest where the prize is ‘most likely to accidentally create Skynet.'”
Sources close to Sam Altman report that upon hearing Meta was releasing free AI models, the OpenAI CEO screamed “OVER MY DEAD BODY WILL ZUCKERBERG BE THE GOOD GUY” before furiously typing an email to his development team at 3am.
PUBLIC PRETENDS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT “OPEN WEIGHT” ACTUALLY MEANS
A shocking poll reveals that approximately 97.3% of people nodding knowingly about “open weight models” have absolutely no f@#king clue what that means, but are too embarrassed to ask.
“Oh yeah, open weight, that’s huge,” said local tech enthusiast Jeremy Blankstare, while frantically Googling the term under the table. “It’s like… weights… that are… open. Revolutionary stuff.”
EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES, NOBODY LISTENS
Professor Cassandra Ignored of the Institute for Obvious Warnings Everyone Will Disregard cautions that releasing powerful AI models to the public could have unforeseen consequences.
“Imagine giving a toddler the nuclear codes but telling them they can only use them to play tic-tac-toe,” she explained, while visibly drinking from a flask. “Sure, most people will be responsible, but it only takes one jackass trying to make his AI girlfriend jealous to tank the global economy.”
As of press time, thousands of developers worldwide were downloading the models with plans ranging from “solving climate change” to “making my Alexa sound like Samuel L. Jackson but even angrier,” proving once again that humanity definitely deserves access to increasingly powerful thinking machines.
