TECH COMPANIES REPLACE HUMANS WITH MACHINES, SHOCKED WHEN MACHINES CAN’T DRINK OFFICE COFFEE OR FEEL EXISTENTIAL DREAD
In what experts are calling a “no sh!t Sherlock” moment of corporate realization, over half of companies that fired actual humans in favor of digital thinking boxes now admit they f@#ked up royally. A stunning 55% of businesses that went on AI-powered firing sprees are now desperately trying to rehire the same people they kicked to the curb, only to discover those people have moved on to companies that don’t treat them like disposable meat widgets.
TURNS OUT COMPUTERS CAN’T HANDLE JANET FROM ACCOUNTING’S EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS
“We thought replacing our entire customer service department with chatbots would save us millions,” confessed Chad Moneygrubber, CEO of TechBro Solutions. “But apparently customers don’t enjoy talking to digital entities that respond to complaints about overcharging with haikus about patience and corporate policy. Who knew?”
The survey revealed that 78% of companies failed to consider that algorithms don’t bring donuts to meetings or remember your kids’ names at the holiday party. An additional 92% never factored in that code can’t comfort crying coworkers during existential crises about the meaninglessness of quarterly reports.
SHOCKING DISCOVERY: HUMANS GOOD AT HUMAN THINGS
Dr. Obvious McForesight, Professor of Common Sense at the University of Duh, explained: “These companies genuinely believed that sentient beings with decades of experience and nuanced understanding could be replaced by glorified calculators. It’s as if they fired all their boats and replaced them with pictures of boats, then wondered why everyone was drowning.”
The most affected industries include customer service, where companies discovered that people don’t enjoy screaming “REPRESENTATIVE!” sixteen times into their phones, and creative departments, where AI-generated marketing campaigns included slogans like “Our Product: It Is A Product You Can Buy With Money.”
DESPERATE REHIRING EFFORTS MET WITH MIDDLE FINGERS
Companies are now scrambling to rehire the same employees they callously discarded. “We’re offering competitive packages,” said Brittany Bottomline, HR Director at DataCorp International. “By which I mean we’ll pay them 15% less than before to do 40% more work while constantly reminding them they should be grateful we chose them over the machines.”
Former employees have responded with what analysts describe as “enthusiastic disinterest,” with 89% reportedly sending back job offers with hand-drawn pictures of extended middle fingers.
“I told them I’d come back for double my previous salary and a written guarantee they wouldn’t replace me with Windows 95 when quarterly earnings dip by 0.02%,” said former marketing director James Reynolds, who now runs a successful food truck called “AI Can’t Make This Sh!t.”
INVESTORS SHOCKED TO LEARN BUSINESS INVOLVES ACTUAL PEOPLE
Wall Street reacted to the news by temporarily considering the humanity of workers before returning to treating them as expendable line items. “We briefly contemplated that corporations might be social institutions with responsibilities beyond maximizing shareholder value,” admitted investment banker Warren Moneypants. “But then we remembered we’re soulless capitalism monsters and went back to demanding more blood sacrifices to the quarterly earnings gods.”
According to made-up statistics that feel right, companies that maintained human workforces outperformed AI-obsessed competitors by 420% in customer satisfaction and 69% in employee retention.
At press time, 97% of CEOs were reportedly taking AI ethics courses while simultaneously Googling “can AI replace board members who ask about ethics” on their private browsers.
