Study Reveals Tech Companies Confusing Themselves With Friendly Neighborhood Octopuses
In an allegedly shocking revelation, researchers have found that tech companies have befriended octopuses for PR advice, perfecting the art of wrapping their tentacles around every conceivable aspect of human life. Marietje Schaake, the Dutch policy warden and former European Parliament fun police, insists on the wild idea that these tech giants know more about us than our own mothers.
Schaake, now holding the glorified title of the person-who-warns-us-at-Stanford University, likens tech companies to never-sleeping creatures with tentacles wrapped tightly around governments, economies, and even geopolitics. Unlike the good ol’ oil barons and car tycoons with straightforward villainy, today’s digital predators have turned confusion into an art form, complete with an AI assistant.
“Just imagine an octopus but less slimy and more interested in your dating preferences and bank balance,” Schaake explained while juggling several existential tech crises. “They’re more invasive than my neighbor’s cat, and just as hard to reason with.”
She asserts this digital octopus dilemma is highlighted in her manifesto – sorry, book – *The Tech Coup*, detailing how to bravely enfrent Silicon Valley’s squid-like grasp on our wallets and privacy. Dubbed with words that even Thoreau might hesitate to decipher, Schaake’s work promises to be a bestseller among those who read more than just the product reviews online.
In related news, a spokesmanager for All-Consuming Corp, a fictional placeholder for an actual tech giant, responded to Schaake’s claims stating, “We only deny world domination on Tuesdays. And anyway, isn’t it convenient when your search engine knows when to refill your toothpaste?”
Meanwhile, the people of Earth seem comfortably numb to the overlords of their devices. Many have openly declared that, “Woah, if Google doesn’t know me, then I don’t know me.” Apparently, they’re still on speaking terms with Cecil, the friendly neighborhood octopus, whose whereabouts are currently unknown.
For those wishing to understand more about this quirky relationship between humans and algorithmic octopuses, Schaake’s book is available perhaps at a bookstore near you—or more likely, from the very tech monopolies that enjoy delivering hard truths to your digital doorstep. Buyer beware: delivery charges may tentacle you.
